TV Alert: Dawn Porter Gets Her Man

Tomorrow night, March 6th, Dawn porter's latest documentary, "Dawn Porter Gets Her Man," airs on BBC 3 at 9PM. As I participated in this project, I should be seen in the program. Don't miss it!

My First Radio Guests

This past Saturday night, I treated the listeners of my radio show to a surprise. I had two guests join me in the studio, just after the beginning of my show. Martin, 24, and Chris, 20, stayed for three hours. They are the hosts of a new show on Seaside Radio, Friday nights at midnight. Something to do with Trance music. They brought me Chinese spare ribs and a couple of cans of Coke. Nice! They work delivering food for a local Chinese restaurant, in Withernsea. Martin is the son of the former Mayor of the town. Too bad it's not the current Mayor, I might have been able to get a street named after me. We talked about loads of stuff, including cars, TV shows, music, films, and women. Also, I started fooling around with sound effects in the studio.
Martin took it upon himself to try to permanently fix the internet streaming, at the station. Unfortunately, the end result was to make matters worse. By 3AM, it had completely stopped working. The boys left at 3:15AM and I spent most of the remainder of my show playing music. Due to some sort of local cell phone glitch, no text messages were arriving in the studio. My apologies to everyone who sent a text, but I didn't get it. After I left, all the texts turned up at the station. No one thought to copy them down and forward them to me. Having the guests made it the liveliest show yet. This was my first time having in studio guests on my "Night Waves" show. I wonder who my next guest will be?

BT Digital Music Awards

Last night, I attended the BT Digital Music Awards. A friend of mine, who works in television, got me a press pass, in exchange for me working as part of her crew. My duties included holding a bag for her, running across the street to buy batteries, and taking some snapshots on a digital camera, when the crew photographer was off, shooting somewhere else. I also had to fetch drinks. On the plus side, I got to drink free all night.
This awards show is less established and wasn't attended by too many A list stars. I got to stand near by, while our correspondents interviewed them. The biggest star of the night had to be Natasha Bedingfield. I was amazed at her figure. She was, by far, the hottest woman at the show. She had a curvy ass that beats Jennifer Lopez's. Natasha's figure was highlighted by a figure hugging mini dress, which showed off every curve, but in a tasteful way. Even one of the women in our crew was amazed at Natasha's figure. I'm not that impressed with her music, but she sure looks great!
Several "Big Brother" former contestants were there. Chantelle Houghton, the winner of last year's "Celebrity Big Brother," attended. She looked great, although overly tanned. My friend interviewed her, but made a slight gaff at the start. My friend started off the interview by calling Chantelle, "Chanelle." Doh! Chanelle was a contestant on this summer's "Big Brother." Needless to say, Chantelle was not pleased. Her eyes flashed and her nostrils flared, but all credit to her, the former Paris Hilton look-alike maintained her composure and merely corrected the error, saying, "My name is Chantelle," through slightly clenched teeth. For me, that was one of the funniest moments of the night.
We were also treated to Nikki Graham, one of the stars of "Big Brother," 2006. From this year's "Big Brother," we met the twins, Sam and Amanda, as well as Charley. The twins didn't do much but pose for photos and giggle. Charley spoke a mile a minute, just like she did on the show. She complained that she had ended up wearing the same dress as the twins. Charley looked better than she ever did on the show. It's the first time I have seen her really look pretty. Her makeup was perfect. Sadly, the tattoo on her right arm detracted from her otherwise classy look.
The second most funny moment of the night, for me, was when Simon Webbe, former member of boy band, Blue, came to the press area, to be interviewed. I happened to be heading to the loo at the same time. We came face to face at the entrance to the press area. Simon immediately stuck out his hand and shook mine. I returned his greeting, politely, then made my way past him to the toilet. He mistook me for someone he needed to talk to. There were a number of newer bands and musicians who I've never heard of. I was interested to learn that members of the major news media didn't know who these people were, either. My friend had equipped us with photos of each act who was attending. While we were covering the red carpet entrance, a TV reporter in front of us kept turning around and asking us who some of the people entering were. Many of the reporters and paparazzi help each other out, while working.
Hoping to start covering these sorts of events for my radio show, I spent part of the evening talking to a photographer for "the Daily Star," and a radio reporter for BBC Radio 6. I was interested n their advice on equipment. In particular, the Radio 6 reporter, who happened to be a woman, discussed recording equipment for recording radio interviews, with me. I told her I was trying to organize equipment for my new radio show. She was very helpful. I also spoke to two women who were covering the event for TalkSport Radio. I mentioned James Max and they seemed to know him. I think one of them said she produces James when he is on TalkSport. I managed to tear myself away in time to catch the last train back to Bracknell. My second night out in London, this week, yet I still had to be at my day job in the morning.

What a Treasure

Last Saturday, I worked on a new film. It was only extra work, but I was grateful for the opportunity to earn some extra money, to put toward my car fund. I was pleased to discover that I was working on "National Treasure 2." The day's filming was at Pinewood Studios, on the back lot. I was playing a cowboy walking along the sidewalk in a town in one of the Dakotas (North, South...one of them). The costume department outfitted me with a black cowboy hat. How cool was that? The scene involved one of the principals, Ed Harris. I walk past as he comes out of a store. At a couple of points during the afternoon, he and I were as close as I am to this computer screen, right here on my desk. We passed each other like two ships in the night, only it was day and ships don't usually pass each other on the sidewalk. All this and we were served steak for lunch. Man, the movie business is great, isn't it?

I Dreamed of James Max

This morning, I awoke from a vivid dream. I dreamed that I had called James Max on his Sunday evening radio show (5PM to 7PM, LBC 97.3 FM, London also available on Sky channel 0177, or via the net at: www.lbc973.co.uk ). In my dream, James hung up on me as soon as the conversation started. Now, why would I dream that? I missed James' show, this past Sunday, as I was traveling at the time. Did James mention me, I wonder? Or, could he have been talking about me, off the air, to someone and I picked up on it through some psychic connection? Maybe, it was something I ate.

Totally Jodie Marsh: Episode 3

On last night's episode of "Totally Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up the Aisle?" Jodie spends time with Matt, a male model who attended her final audition, in Sheffield. He's been in contact with Jodie before and some people suggest he's a ringer. Matt previously dated Katie Price (AKA Jordan). He's four years younger than Jodie and seems just like the type of guy she's previously dated (in other words, the same old thing in a different package). I told friends that I didn't think Matt and her would last the distance. Even I didn't expect things to go wrong so quickly. Fairly early in this third episode, we see them bickering. Matt keeps pressuring her to end her search early and choose him. A teary-eyed Jodie sticks to her guns, however, and it looks like their relationship is coming to an end. Well done, Jodie! Watch the next episode, Sunday, on MTV1 at 10PM. This "warts and all" view of Jodie's husband search is very entertaining viewing. Will she ever twig that she should be with me? Stay tuned and find out.

The Jodie Marsh Show

Last night, I watched the first two episodes of "Totally Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up the Aisle?" as it was repeated. Obviously, I missed them on Sunday night, as I was stuck in London, at the hospital. I was disappointed that they didn't show the segment I filmed, but maybe I shouldn't be. They showed three guys from the Bournemouth auditions I attended, but only briefly. The way the show was edited, the impression was given that no one who auditioned was very good. Maybe they left me out because I was better than most and wouldn't have fit the theme. I will continue watching the series, with interest. It airs Sunday nights at 10PM, on MTV1.
What struck me most watching the show was how much Jodie's brother, Jordan, and I agree on things. We both wear glasses and ride motorcycles. His analysis of Jodie's dating behavior almost exactly matches mine. He's known her his whole life, so I think that's a great testament to my analytical skills that I was able to draw the same conclusions, simply from reading her biography. The problem is that Jodie keeps going for the same type of guy...mostly young and good looking, but ends up not being satisfied. I am even more convinced than ever that I am the best man for her. She needs to realize that if she wants to find a different result, she needs to look in a different direction to what she usually looks at. Jodie, if you always do what you've always done, you always get what you always got. Call me.

Totally Jodie Marsh

Tomorrow, "Totally Jodie Marsh: Who Will Take Her Up the Aisle?" premiers on MTV. It all begins with a two hour special, starting at 10:30PM. Four half-hour episodes will be shown, back to back. In the series, Jodie searches for a husband to wed at a pre-planned ceremony, due this September. Anyone able to should tune in, because there's a chance some footage of me will be shown in one of the episodes. I attended the last audition for the reality show, in Bournemouth, on June 3rd (see "Meeting Jodie Marsh," 4 June, 2007). Although, so far, Miss Marsh hasn't seen fit to ring my telephone, I remain convinced that I am the best potential husband for her.
After reading her autobiography, "Keeping It Real," I figured out the problem that has plagued her romantic life. In the past, she has tended to date the same type of men, over and over. Often young, good looking blokes, they have always had a certain level of insecurity, which has caused them to have difficulty tolerating Jodie's professional life. They usually tried to control her, or enjoyed a sexual attractiveness, without deeply valuing and loving her. Now that she's decided to settle down and have children, she says she wants something more than she's found in the past. After consulting her ideal wish list in her book, I found that I met almost every attribute she would like in her ideal man. I posses a bulletproof self-esteem and have no problem with her professional career. I have flown airplanes and helicopters, dived in submarines, ride motorcycles, and have traveled the world. She would like a guy who can teach her stuff and because I am a bit older than her, I would be in a position to do just that. I love teaching someone I care for. She wants to have four children and I'd love at least four. I would bring some good genetic material to the breeding, being tall, with an above average IQ, and a life of historically good health. In addition, I am an unusually loving man and I don't think she'll ever meet another like me.
While I may not be the best looking man around, looks aren't everything. I had hoped to make the final six. This would give Jodie the opportunity to get to know me better and I've found to know me is to love me. I tend to grow on people, like a tumor. I've already lost 15 pounds in weight, since the audition, getting into fighting shape in order to see off my competitors. Besides a kiss on the cheek, she didn't experience my touch. I find that women tend to love the way I touch them. I am sure she'd love it if I massaged her feet. On the eve of the beginning of the series, the odds that I will hear from her seem slim, indeed. However, if she finds it all going pear shaped, I hope she will get in touch, before it's too late. Someone else may snap me up at any moment. She who hesitates is lost. Totally.

Going to Star Wars Celebration Europe

On Saturday, I went to the Star Wars Celebration Europe, held at London's ExCel Centre. Upon arrival, I got in the queue (line) for tickets. It moved pretty fast and I was put ahead because I was paying cash. Although I had seen the price listed as £21 before I went, when I got to the cashier, it was £23. In addition, if you wanted a lanyard to hang your ticket around your neck, it was another £3. A pack of six autograph tokens was £30. An official program was £6. Sod all that, I just bought one adult ticket.
After buying my ticket, I had to join another queue (line) to get into the exhibition hall. This queue was so long, it started at the other end of the ExCel Centre, outside in the parking lot. Once I was safely in the queue, I started observing the other attendees. Geeks were all over the place. Loads of people were wearing various sorts of Star Wars T shirts. It struck me that I have a Star Wars T shirt, somewhere in my closet, but I didn't dig it out to wear. I guess I am just not enough of a geek. Nerds in T shirts were only the tip of the galactic iceberg. There were loads of people wearing Star Wars costumes. It was like being in freak central. Surely only guys would be wacky enough to dress up as someone in Star Wars. Then I spotted women. Not only unattractive, geeky women either. In front of me in the queue, there was a quite good looking young woman dressed as Senator Amidala, from "Episode II: Attack of the Clones." As had many of the others, she'd made her costume herself. Some parts were fashioned from paper and cardboard. What a find! A pretty woman who is so into "Star Wars," that she would make her own costume. And she was alone. At first, I thought she was with this family in front of her. They looked quite similar. This family had two young boys and one teenaged girl. I thought the costumed woman was their oldest daughter, as she looked like she was in her early twenties, which would have made her their first of four children. I noticed that none of the family were speaking to the costumed one. None of the family members had costumes on, so I thought they might be ignoring her, as she was the geeky child, who's eccentricities are tolerated.
The queue moved steadily and, eventually, we gained admittance to the exhibition hall. I would estimate that I waited in queue for about an hour. At the entrance, I noticed that costumed woman went in a different direction as the family. They weren't together! She didn't even have a date. Here we were, two single Star Wars lovers, passing like two starships in the night. Oh well. Inside the hall, the place was packed. There were people from all over Europe...Germans, Spanish, Poles...and, of course, loads of British. Some were dressed as Jedi, while others were dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms. Wandering around, I noticed that the majority of space in the exhibition hall was taken up by vendor stalls. So it seemed that one paid £23 ($46) for the privilege of being able to shop vendors and spend even more money. And it wasn't as if these vendors were offering bargains. A lightsabre replica was £75 ($150). I wasn't about to pay prices like that. After a couple of hours, I was starting to have my fill of the place. I regretted paying so much for so little. Still, I tried to find more to do, to make up for the admission price. I had the foresight to bring some food with me and was thus able to avoid the long queues for food, as well as the exorbitant prices.
In the afternoon, I joined a long queue for a show that was billed as having celebrity guests. Having heard that Mark Hamill was making an appearance, I hoped this would make it all worthwhile. After being seated, the show began with an announcer doing an impression of Obi-Wan Kenobi. He came across as sounding like a drunk Alec Guiness. The host of the show was announced and out walked Warwick Davis, the dwarf who played Wicket in "Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi." He was to interview a celebrity guest. When the guest was announced, it was Rick McCallum, producer of the newer, first three episodes. Oh joy! Not even one of the stars of the films. When Warrick finished interviewing McCallum, the show ended. What? That was it? I queued for over an hour for that?
As it got late in the day, the crowd thinned out. Checking out the autograph area, I didn't want to pay to get some actor's autograph, but I wanted to see what stars were there. Most of the actors present were unknowns who played this or that alien, or a bush in one episode or another. There was no way I was going to pay for another actor's autograph. Mark Hamill, the biggest star there, refused to accept "tokens" for his autograph. For an autographed photo with him, you had to cough up £85 ($170!). There was a long queue for Mark, while most of the others sat there, idle. I managed to keep myself occupied till 5:45 PM, then I'd had as much as I could take and left. I was extremely disappointed in the Celebration. It seemed like it was mostly about separating cash from the customers. Although I love the Star Wars films, this "celebration" was a let-down. The most interesting thing I noticed there was that some of the German attendees seemed a little too enthusiastic about dressing up as members of the Empire's military. Empire military uniforms are modeled on World War II Nazi uniforms, so there seemed a slightly worrying trend going on. Also, the British Royal Navy and Royal Army had displays there, trying to recruit people. They had posters comparing British military equipment with craft from Star Wars. There seemed to be something a little perverse about trying to lure young fans of Star Wars to join the military, so they can be shipped off to places like Iraq and Afghanistan. The next time I see a Star Wars Celebration advertised, I shall avoid it. I recommend you do the same.

A Hilton Tribute

Last night, as a tribute to beloved Paris Hilton, celebrating her release from incarceration, I honored the heroine in true Joseph in the Bracknell style. I stayed a night in a Hilton hotel. What else did you expect me to do? My stay served a dual purpose. Not only was I able to provide a fitting tribute to the blond beauty. so unjustly imprisoned, but I was able to keep my Hilton HHonors membership from being cancelled, at the same time. A couple of months ago, I received a letter from Hilton HHonors loyalty program warning me that my membership would be cancelled, unless I stayed in a Hilton hotel before July 1st. Due to a shortage of funds, I just haven't been staying in hotels over the past two years, as much as I used to. Originally, I thought I would stay in London on Saturday night, but when I checked availability, the prices were too high at the London locations. I was just about to settle for the Bracknell Hilton, where I have stayed numerous times before, when I found that either of the two Hiltons in Newbury had an even cheaper rate, on Friday night. I chose one and booked it. Thus, I was able to enjoy a mini-break, on my own, and pay tribute to the under-appreciated and misunderstood, Paris Hilton. I hope my favorite blond, hotel fortune heiress appreciated what I did to honor her. Paris, I salute you.

Big Brother Nominations 3

The third set of nominations are in and this week, Carole, Jonathan, and Seany face the public vote for who will be the second housemate evicted. This is the first week that all housemates have nominated. Many members of the viewing public are surprised that Charley wasn't nominated, but she only escaped nomination by one vote. With the past week's events in mind, this trio are not that much of a surprise. All of them have annoyed other housemates. Carole seems to order everyone about and is constantly complaining. Seany's practical jokes haven't endeared him to many of his fellow housemates. Some of the young women think Jonathan has been "perving" over them. Meanwhile, other housemates have picked up on the same observation that I have. Jonathan doesn't need to be in there.
Jonathan is a multi-millionaire. He could finance his own show, if he was so keen to be on TV. Not only doesn't he need the money from winning, by his own admission, he doesn't want the money. I think he's just taking up a space that some poor person could have. Those of us without money, who could benefit in a life-changing way by being on the series, are probably a little pissed off that someone who totally doesn't need it is in there. I waited hours in line, two years in a row to be on the show. For that reason, I think Jonathan will be the one evicted on Friday. It would be different if he'd come in there and been totally charming, winning the audience over, but he hasn't. He's a bit too full of himself and a bit too quick to look down on his fellow housemates, with cliched, poorly articulated criticisms, which aren't even entertaining to watch. Get the rich dude out.

Ocean's 13

On Saturday, a close, personal friend of mine treated me to dinner and a movie. Actually, it was movie then dinner, but I don't think the order matters too much. We went to see "Ocean's 13," the second sequel in the modern "Ocean's" franchise. After acknowledging that the first sequel, "Ocean's 12," was a load of crap, the film makers promised to do better by the audience, this time. That promise was kept, but only just. As my friend hadn't seen the modern version of "Ocean's 11," nor the Frank Sinatra original, we watched it on DVD before going to see "13." The latest outing still doesn't compare favorably with "11." Both Julia Roberts and "12's" Catherine Zeta Jones are absent from "13." All the original guys are back and the additional 13th man is, I suppose, the father of Matt Damon's character.
Al Pacino plays the bad guy/target in this film. I normally love Pacino's work and have previously stated that he is capable of making a bad film worth watching. This time, he didn't. I found his performance in "Ocean's 13" unusually uninspiring. It was okay, but nothing special. The plot is so complicated, I found myself wondering when the action was going to start. Personally, I would recommend waiting for this one to be on DVD, as ticket prices are so expensive these days, I wouldn't spend one's limited budget on such a mediocre excursion.

Big Brother's Big Mouth: Alexa Chung

This week, Alexa Chung hosted "Big Brother's Big Mouth" (BBBM). I would have been in the audience on Tuesday, her first night, but my nose intervened. I had not heard of her before and had no idea who she is. I found out she's a former model and presents, "Popworld." She's got long legs and is very cute. I think she did a pretty good job with BBBM. There are a couple of ironic coincidences between her and I. First, she's Eurasian, while my evil ex-wife, the Black Queen, was half Chinese and half English. A further coincidence is that Alexa is from Hampshire and I used to live in Hampshire, when I lived with the Black Queen. It's too bad I didn't get to expose her to my wit and charm, this week.

Paris' Plight

Last week, Paris Hilton's 45 day, custodial sentence was changed to house arrest, by the Los Angeles County Sheriff. That didn't sit too well with the sentencing judge, Superior Court Judge Michael T. Sauer. He ordered Paris back into court, then ordered her to serve her entire sentence. She was dragged from the courtroom, kicking and screaming. The question is who's bothered by what the beautiful heiress thinks could be the death nell to her career. I know I am. I have great sympathy for the lovely Paris. Do something that's a blow against tyranny, free Paris, now!

Big Brother: Eviction Cancelled.

In the early hours of this morning, "Big Brother" removed Emily from the house, because she said, "nigger," several hours earlier. The word was edit from the live streaming, but then Channel 4 aired the whole incident on the regular "Big Brother" show, at 10PM. It seems contradictory for "Big Brother" to kick Emily out of the house because she said something some people might take offense at, then turn around and air the "offensive" material. Also, Charyl and Nicky repeated the expression, later, yet neither of them were kicked out. Because Emily, who was one of the two housemates nominated, was removed, the eviction on Friday night has been cancelled. This reaction is fuelled by the backlash over this year's "Celebrity Big Brother," racial tensions. Such political correctness gone mad threatens to end this show early,

Last Night's BBBM

As amazing as this is, some of you didn't see "Big Brother's Big Mouth," last night. Because of that, you missed me. I made a joke that got the most laughs of anything said on the show, including more laughs than any of the presenter's jokes. That's good, as his were pre-written for him. It was George Galloway's first time presenting the show. George is a serving Member of Parliament and was a housemate in "Celebrity Big Brother," last year. when George approached me with a question about the shortage of toilet paper in the house, I pulled a piece of toilet paper out of my pocket and said, "I have some toilet paper, here, they can have." The rest of the audience burst out in hysterical laughter.
In an irony of ironies, one of the two celebrity guests, last night, was...none other than Pete Burns! Why is that ironic? Well, I can now reveal that the reality show I auditioned for, two and a half weeks ago, was "Pete's PA" (see "Attempting to be Social," 19 May, 2007). The series involves hopefuls competing to win a job as Pete Burns' PA. During the audition, I was interviewed by Pete and a couple of experts. It's possible part of the interview will be shown, when the series airs on Living TV. After BBBM, I was following Pete and his boyfriend out of the studio, when I called out to him. He looked around and returned my wave with the that look that people get when they totally don't recognize you. Oh for Pete's sake! It's only been two and a half weeks. Am I that forgettable? In a doubly ironic twist, during the show, Pete made a disparaging comment about...you guessed it, Jodie Marsh! Pete was also a "Celebrity Big Brother" housemate, with George Galloway, as was Jodie. He called her stupid and I, of course, reacted with indignation at that ridiculous accusation. I have heard that Jodie has a very high IQ and, judging from when I was interviewed by her, on Sunday, I think she's very clever. How incestuous the entertainment world is.

Up the Asile With Jodie Marsh

Tomorrow is apparently the last audition for Jodie Marsh's new reality TV project. Miss Marsh has been auditioning for a husband, for a couple of weeks now. That's right, the glamour model has decided that she wants to get married, as she is approaching thirty. Her wedding, as well as her husband search, is supposedly going to be shown on MTV. Yes, you guessed it, I will be attending, tomorrow. Several news reports I have come across have said that the turnout at the earlier auditions has been poor. That can only benefit me. Less competition and all that.
The timing couldn't be better. I would like to get married again and I want to have children. Jodie desires a man willing to father kids. I don't know why members of the media are ridiculing the idea. Jodie's rival, Katie Price (AKA Jordan), met her husband, Peter Andre, on the set of a reality TV series, "I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here." I am talking this audition very seriously. Earlier tonight, I filled out the application form, which includes a number of questions. I read Jodie's autobiography, earlier this week. Tomorrow, I will be wearing my best suit and best cologne. I don't think she will find a better prospective husband than me. Let's hope Miss Marsh is able to recognize that. Wish me success.

Big Mouth Pilot

Tonight, I went to the pilot for "Big Brother's Big Mouth" (BBBM), which I had been invited to attend. Originally, I was supposed to be accompanied by Chef Anthony, but he cancelled at the last minute. Who could I get to fill in at the last minute, like this? No, not Gandhi. Gandhi's dead. My artist friend, Jan, came to mind. I sent her a text message and she called me back. This put me in an uncomfortable position. She had offered to go, originally, but I had talked down the idea, as I had already invited Anthony. Now, here I was talking up the same idea I had been arguing against, a few days ago. Somehow, I managed to sell the idea, because in the end, she agreed.
It was exciting to be at Elstree Studios. BBBM is broadcast from next door to the Big Brother House. Here I was, so close to that famous house, which I have twice auditioned to be in. So close, and yet so far. The staff were great. We waited in a room with free wine, beer, and soft drinks. Once we were on set, we taped two pilots, each with different hosts. BBBM haven't confirmed who the new host is going to be, yet. I am still sad that Russell Brand quit. He'll be a tough act to replace. The first taping was with a duo hosting. Two lads who's names I can't remember. I overheard someone say they do a children's TV show. One was tall and ginger, while the other one was short, with brown hair. I found them distinctly unfunny. It seemed like they were trying too hard. Their gags were a bit over the top, kind of like you see on children's TV.
The second taping was with Peaches Geldof, daughter of music legend, Sir Bob Geldof. Peaches was less experienced than the previous two, but she seemed more genuine. If it's between her and them, I hope she gets it. After the show, I was wracking my brain, trying to come up with a good idea for a replacement for Russell Brand. Obviously, I would be great, but they don't have the balls to go for me. Who might they accept who is good? Suddenly, it came to me...Opal Bonfante! She has TV presenting experience and is genuinely funny. Hot and funny is a good description. Besides, she already works for Endemol, the same company that produces "Big Brother." I've sent her a message, suggesting that she try for it. I am looking forward to doing BBBM when the series starts, in nine days. Then, instead of just free drinks, they will have free food as well.

Going To the Dogs

Yesterday, Chelsea Football Club Manager, Jose Mourinho was arrested at his West London home. His crime? Obstructing police and rabies inspectors, who'd come to his home to put his dog in quarantine. "Authorities" suspect the dog was brought back from Portugal, Mourinho's homeland. Jose insists the dog was bought here, in England. Mourinho was later released without charge, being let off with a warning. The dog is still on the lamb. Britain has very strict anti-rabies legislation and dogs from abroad must be quarantined, or get one of the new doggie passports.
This is the state of policing in the UK, these days. It's not as if there aren't any serious crimes to contend with, yet the police are repeatedly wasting their time over nonsense. Just the other day, Chris Tarrant, host of ITV's, "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," was arrested on suspicion of assault, for allegedly throwing a piece of cutlery at a member of the public, while dining at an Indian restaurant. When famous people like these are subjected to these time wasting arrests, how much of the taxpayer's money is being wasted? What is the carbon footprint of arresting the millionaire, Jose Mourinho? Thank goodness the pooch remains at large.

Big Mouth?

I have been invited to a pilot of this years "Big Brother's Big Mouth," (BBBM) next week. I am very excited to be involved with the show, as I have been watching it for a couple of years. Last year, I acted as the "unofficial" Big Brother correspondent on Bill Buckley's radio show, on LBC 97.3FM, London. I have auditioned to be a contestant on "Big Brother," for the past two years, but producers still haven't recognized the potential in me as a housemate. Bringing my big mouth to BBBM may be the next best thing. It's too bad that Russell Brand won't be hosting, this year, as I found him very funny and perfectly suited to the show. I wonder who the new host will be? Of course, it should have been me, but we need to get past that now. I was asked if any of my friends would also like to do BBBM and, after much discussion with said friends, I decided to bring Chef Anthony along with me to the pilot. He has even a bigger mouth than I do. Anthony's been one of my most vocal supporters of my show business career, such as it is, so far. It's nice to be able to reward him with this opportunity. Also, he might split the petrol costs, with me, of going to the studio. My first "Big Brother" prediction, this year? I think they will have a housemate with a physical handicap, possibly someone in a wheelchair. You read it here first.