Saturday, July 21, 2007

Totally Jodie Marsh

Tomorrow, "Totally Jodie Marsh: Who Will Take Her Up the Aisle?" premiers on MTV. It all begins with a two hour special, starting at 10:30PM. Four half-hour episodes will be shown, back to back. In the series, Jodie searches for a husband to wed at a pre-planned ceremony, due this September. Anyone able to should tune in, because there's a chance some footage of me will be shown in one of the episodes. I attended the last audition for the reality show, in Bournemouth, on June 3rd (see "Meeting Jodie Marsh," 4 June, 2007). Although, so far, Miss Marsh hasn't seen fit to ring my telephone, I remain convinced that I am the best potential husband for her.
After reading her autobiography, "Keeping It Real," I figured out the problem that has plagued her romantic life. In the past, she has tended to date the same type of men, over and over. Often young, good looking blokes, they have always had a certain level of insecurity, which has caused them to have difficulty tolerating Jodie's professional life. They usually tried to control her, or enjoyed a sexual attractiveness, without deeply valuing and loving her. Now that she's decided to settle down and have children, she says she wants something more than she's found in the past. After consulting her ideal wish list in her book, I found that I met almost every attribute she would like in her ideal man. I posses a bulletproof self-esteem and have no problem with her professional career. I have flown airplanes and helicopters, dived in submarines, ride motorcycles, and have traveled the world. She would like a guy who can teach her stuff and because I am a bit older than her, I would be in a position to do just that. I love teaching someone I care for. She wants to have four children and I'd love at least four. I would bring some good genetic material to the breeding, being tall, with an above average IQ, and a life of historically good health. In addition, I am an unusually loving man and I don't think she'll ever meet another like me.
While I may not be the best looking man around, looks aren't everything. I had hoped to make the final six. This would give Jodie the opportunity to get to know me better and I've found to know me is to love me. I tend to grow on people, like a tumor. I've already lost 15 pounds in weight, since the audition, getting into fighting shape in order to see off my competitors. Besides a kiss on the cheek, she didn't experience my touch. I find that women tend to love the way I touch them. I am sure she'd love it if I massaged her feet. On the eve of the beginning of the series, the odds that I will hear from her seem slim, indeed. However, if she finds it all going pear shaped, I hope she will get in touch, before it's too late. Someone else may snap me up at any moment. She who hesitates is lost. Totally.

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