A Saturday Night Off

This past Sunday, I had to be on location, for a film shoot, at 6:30AM. Because of that, it wasn't possible to do my "Night Waves" radio show, as it finishes at 7AM, and the studio is about 250 miles from the location. After explaining to the Station Manager, he was cool with me taking Saturday night off. After all, I make a hell of a lot more money working on a film, than I do doing radio.
The last time I was "off" on a Saturday, was the Saturday before New Year. Then, my good friends, Tim and Barbara, were visiting, from New York. Even though I was off, I was busy entertaining them, so it wasn't a relaxing time for me. This past Saturday was different. I had nobody to please other than myself. I was up for some fun. I found that Jordan Marsh's band, Blue Shoes, was playing a gig in Essex. I had to hire a car to get to the shoot on Sunday morning, so I picked it up Saturday evening, then set out for Essex. The car hire company gave me a free upgrade, because they were out of the cheap cars, which is what I had reserved. Instead, they gave me a Fiat Bravo and I wasn't complaining. The car was very nice, with a six speed transmission. I tuned in some music on the stereo, then blasted around the M25, to the other side of London.
Jordan was playing at the Eagle and Child, the same pub I had been turned away from, on New Year's Eve. This time, I had no trouble getting in. When I walked in, Jordan had just started his first set. He gave me a nod of acknowledgement, as I walked in. I bought a pint of Strongbow from the bar, then settled to enjoy the show. Jordan plays a nice mix of classic rock, soul, rockabilly, and even takes requests. Women in Essex have quite a reputation and there were several good looking Essex girls, present. In fact, I ended up surrounded. I had two brunettes in front of me and two blondes behind me.
When Jordan finished his second set and started packing up for the night, I walked over for a quick word. He was cordial as ever, even though we were interrupted by one of the brunettes, who was drunk. He told me that he's still not finished the CD he's working on. After saying goodbye, I rejoined the Fiat, out in the car park. With the stereo fired up, I roared back around the M25, to Berkshire and home. It was a fun night out. The only thing that could have made it better is if one of my friends had joined me. If you ever have the chance to see Jordan Marsh perform, grab it. He always gives an entertaining performance. This Saturday, I should be back on the radio, from Midnight, UK time, till 7AM, Sunday. You can listen to me at www.seasideradio.co.uk .

A Tale of Two Callers

This past Sunday morning, I had two people call in to my radio show. The first was my good friend, Mucky Sarah, also known as Miss Anjelika Jinx. Sarah writes a sex blog called "Naive London Girl." She also produces and co-presents a podcast by the same name. If you haven't checked out the blog and podcast, you should do so immediately. As a special bonus, you can sometimes hear me co-presenting with her, whenever her regular co-presenter, comedienne, Wanda, is unavailable. You can hear me on two recent episodes, "Cocaine and Hot Lesbian Sex," and "Menstruation and Oral Sex." The podcasts and blog are available at http://www.naivelondongirl.com/ . Sarah's regular co-presenter, Wanda, is very funny, even if she does refuse to go out with me.
At first, I was pleased that Sarah was listening to my show again. That pleasure quickly faded when she admitted she wasn't listening. She was on "kind of a date," but was calling me anyway, from a secret location. Well, it was nice of her to think to call in, even if she wasn't listening. I wish she would record her dates and then let me play them on the air. That could be interesting.
Some time later, another woman called in to my show. It was a new listener, Melinda, from Quincy, Illinois. She was listening to me over the internet. This was the first time I have had a caller from outside the UK. Usually, people listening to me from abroad just email. I asked her if Quincy was named after the medical examiner, from that TV show by the same name? She claimed that the town was named before the TV show. Well, that's her story. I was curious as to how she had come to listen to my "Night Waves" show. Melinda told me that Dave, from Northern Ireland, had told her about me. This is the same Dave who had traveled with me and the Station Manager, to York. I love that word of mouth publicity. Immediately, I wondered if there was some sort of romantic thing going on between them. I hinted around, trying to find out, but, whether accidentally or deliberately, Melinda didn't take the hint. Not being one to give up so easily, I asked expressly. Melinda has a very nice voice and I wondered if she was "available." Finally, she admitted that there was "something" between Dave and her.
Apparently, Melinda had flown over to Northern Ireland to visit Dave, twice, but he has, as yet, not visited her in America. What's that all about? They originally met in an internet chat room. That's the same way me and my evil ex-wife, the Black Queen, met. Within a month I had flown over to meet the Black Queen. Melinda seemed frustrated with Dave's seeming unwillingness to visit her in return. I don't blame her. Is there something about her that puts Dave off? If he isn't serious about her, he should let her know, instead of stringing her along, shouldn't he? Now, if only I could get Dave to phone in. Then he and Melinda could fight out their relationship problems on my show. That would be great, radio entertainment. Don't miss out on the fun. Listen to my weekly show, "Night Waves," on Seaside Radio, 105.3 FM, Withernsea, England. If you're not local, you can listen over the net at http://www.seasideradio.co.uk/ . If you want help with your relationship problems, email me on my show, or call in. I love to help.

Old York

When I heard the Station Manager of Seaside Radio mention going to a museum of trains, I couldn't contain myself. Turning my reaction to this overheard bit of information into a joke, I berated him, mildly of course, for never telling me about this museum. His reaction? He promised to take me to it. Yesterday, that promise was fulfilled.
After I arranged myself in the back seat of my boss' car, the Manager's acquaintance, Dave, climbed into the front seat. With minimal delay, we were on our way. Dave, who was visiting from Northern Ireland, was quiet at first, but my constant banter eventually got through to him. On the way to York, we stopped in a small town, to visit another station. It seems Dave is a bit of a radiophile, not to mention a borderline train spotter. My boss talked tech with the station's management, while Dave looked on, seemingly enraptured. My interest waned after a few minutes. Once you've seen one bunch of radio equipment, you've seen them all, right? Besides, no one was paying any attention to me. It became a bit more interesting when they finally took us to see the studio. That would be the bit where I would work. The guy on air was about 100 years older than I thought he would be, listening to him in the car. The show he was doing sounded awful, to me. While technically competent, it was just the same old thing: a tired top 40 clone. A robot could have performed just as well.
Back on the road, we covered the rest of the distance to York fairly quickly. I have never been to the city before. It's an old, walled city. Founded in the year 71, the walls are older than New York, where I come from. We found the cheaper parking, across the street from the National Railway Museum, that one of the guys at the radio station we visited had recommended. It was almost full, but we managed to come across a space. On the grounds of the museum, a very large Ferris wheel was glistening in the sunlight. Known as the Yorkshire Wheel, it's a smaller imitation of the London Eye. Once in the entrance hall to the museum, we were pleased to discover that entrance to the museum is free. My boss asked if Dave and I wanted to go on the wheel. With his Northern Ireland accent, this sounded like "whale." I was trying to figure out what whale he was talking about, when it finally dawned on me that he meant the wheel. Since he was paying, I said yes. So did Dave. We all agreed that we would tour the museum first, then ride on the "whale." My boss acquired our "whale" tickets as well as our free museum tickets, then we immersed ourselves in railway hardware.
If you like trains, then the National Railway Museum is for you. I've always had a love affair with trains, since the earliest days of my childhood. I was interested in going to the museum, because my old friends, the husband and wife couple, Tim and Barbara, are due to visit me for Christmas. Tim is more into trains than I am, so I wanted to scout out this attraction, with a view toward taking them there in December. The National Railway Museum is home to many old locomotives, including famous ones, like the Flying Scotsman and the Mallard. If your taste runs more toward the modern, there are life-sized models of a Japanese Bullet train as well as the Eurostar. The museum offers more than just locomotives. There are railway cars, including retired carriages for the royal train, used by British kings and queens. On display are all sorts of items relating to railroads. Signs, signals, promotional material, plates, and furniture. I expect Tim will love it.
Once we had our fill of the trains, we made our way to the "whale." It may seem like a naff imitation of the London Eye, but rather than crawling around once, like the Eye, it is run at normal speed, like a traditional Ferris wheel. The view is wonderful. From the top, you can see not only the entire city of York, but the surrounding countryside. There's also a bird's eye view of the working, city train station. The rail lines run right by the Railway Museum. Another plus to the Yorkshire wheel is that the price is a fraction of the cost of the London Eye.
When our "whale" ride had finished, we set off to see the city centre. All of us were feeling a bit lazy, so we decided to ride a "free," miniature tram into town, made up to look like a steam train. One was waiting to depart just as we came out of the museum. My boss soon discovered that there was a charge to ride the tram he thought was "free." We were looking forward to riding into town too much to quibble, at that point, so we paid up. I was starving and my boss promised to take us to a restaurant which had great hamburgers. We set off in search of this culinary paradise. During the ensuing search, we wandered the streets of the old town. The old buildings now house modern shops, pubs, and restaurants. Narrow roads are bordered on either side by Tudor style architecture. This will appeal more to Barbara. Just when my boss was about to give up and settle for any old restaurant, we stumbled across it. I was so hungry, I didn't even notice the name. I'd had nothing since my train ride in to Hull that morning and by this point, darkness had fallen. I think all I could manage to mumble by that point was "food, food, food!" When the waiter came to take our order, I opted for a "Cajun Burger," and a Coke. Our timing was great, because as we waited for our food to arrive, the restaurant, which was nearly empty when we came in, filled up in a matter of minutes.
After dinner, which was tasty, we agreed we'd walk back to the car. Having rested our tired feet during dinner, the walk didn't seem too bad. I fell asleep during the drive back to Withernsea. I needed to get some rest before my marathon, seven hour radio show, starting at Midnight. My boss paid me quite a compliment by telling Dave that he must listen to my show. He even offered to loan Dave a radio to enable him to do so. You can also listen, via the internet, at www.seasideradio.co.uk . My show, "Night Waves," starts at Midnight, Saturday night and runs till 7AM, Sunday morning, UK time. Those times are five hours earlier on the east coast of the US, and eight hours earlier on the west coast.

My First Radio Guests

This past Saturday night, I treated the listeners of my radio show to a surprise. I had two guests join me in the studio, just after the beginning of my show. Martin, 24, and Chris, 20, stayed for three hours. They are the hosts of a new show on Seaside Radio, Friday nights at midnight. Something to do with Trance music. They brought me Chinese spare ribs and a couple of cans of Coke. Nice! They work delivering food for a local Chinese restaurant, in Withernsea. Martin is the son of the former Mayor of the town. Too bad it's not the current Mayor, I might have been able to get a street named after me. We talked about loads of stuff, including cars, TV shows, music, films, and women. Also, I started fooling around with sound effects in the studio.
Martin took it upon himself to try to permanently fix the internet streaming, at the station. Unfortunately, the end result was to make matters worse. By 3AM, it had completely stopped working. The boys left at 3:15AM and I spent most of the remainder of my show playing music. Due to some sort of local cell phone glitch, no text messages were arriving in the studio. My apologies to everyone who sent a text, but I didn't get it. After I left, all the texts turned up at the station. No one thought to copy them down and forward them to me. Having the guests made it the liveliest show yet. This was my first time having in studio guests on my "Night Waves" show. I wonder who my next guest will be?

Asking Mother to Call

Last week, I called my mother, again. Now, I had an ulterior motive for calling her. I wanted something. My mother being how she is, she rabbited on, about this and that, leaving me little chance to get a word in edgewise. Those of you who know me may find that hard to accept. Anyone who's spent any time with me would probably expect me to dominate the conversation. I realize I am a bit talkative, especially for a man. It could be that it comes from growing up in a household full of women, or it could be genetic. All the immediate relatives, with whom I grew up, talked a lot. However, they were all female, so who knows what caused it.
So, my mother was talking away and I realized that time was passing without me making my grand request. Perhaps I was apprehensive and so quite happy to delay asking. In any case, my mother ended up starting to end the conversation, when I finally spoke up. "I haven't gotten to say what I called you about!" I said, with exasperation. She paused for me. Timidly, I inquired if, possibly, there might be a chance, however small, that she might call me on my radio show. As I think I feared, deep down, she said no.
I tried to talk her into changing her mind. With my mother, such persuasion has to be quite gentle. If she feels pressured, she'll stubbornly refuse and accuse me of causing her stress. "If you are so desperate for callers that you need me to call in, you're in bad shape," she said.
"That's not the reason," I explained. "You'd be very entertaining. Other radio personalities have their mothers calling. Howard Stern's mother used to call him and you have a much better voice than she does. Besides, you're very funny, without realizing you're funny."
"That doesn't sound good," she snapped back, starting to get her back up. Oh-oh! Time for a bit of back-peddling.
"But in a good way," I add, as damage control. Earlier in the conversation, my mother had mentioned that she'd like to do more background artist work. When I first started working in films, my mother decided to give it a try, much to my surprise. Most of my life, my mother has been the most anti-social person I have known, so the idea of her hanging out on a busy film set and putting up with cameras pointed in her direction came as quite a surprise. I was not above stooping to use her desire to rekindle her acting career to bolster my case. "You could call regularly, then use that on your resume." She wouldn't budge. I decide to let the matter drop...for now.
"What about getting Inez to call?" Inez is my mother's only surviving friend. She met Inez while working on her first film and Inez is a fellow actress. Maybe Inez would be more willing and could pretend to be my mother. As has been typical of my mother, throughout my life, she refused to provide me access to her friend. For the time being, my show shall remain motherless.

More Listeners

I felt more relaxed doing this weekend's "Night Waves" radio show, on Seaside Radio. I did a lot more talking, then I did on the first show. My good friend, Mucky Sarah called in, but the equipment that enables us to put callers on the air wasn't working. I heard from more listeners, This week. Tom emailed me. I had texts from an unknown person, whom I dubbed "the anonymous texter," and from a new listener, Mandy.
I met two female DJs who are also on the station. The first one was Susan Dukes, who does 10AM to Noon on Saturdays. She's the one who didn't turn up last weekend and who I covered for. She's blond and very good looking, but, sadly, married. The second one was Karen, who does a jazz hour on Sunday evenings. Karen is brunette and also attractive, but also married. Don't forget, you can join in the fun by tuning in to "Night Waves," on Seaside Radio, 105.3 FM, Withernsea. The show starts at midnight, UK time, on Saturday nights, and runs till 7AM, Sunday mornings. If you are not in the Holderness region of Northeast England, you can listen over the net at: www.seasideradio.co.uk .

Night Waves

Saturday night, I performed the first of my weekly radio shows, "Night Waves." The bulk of it is, technically, Sunday morning, as the show starts at Midnight. It's a marathon, seven hours. A lot of things I wanted to do weren't ready, but I enjoyed doing it. This will definitely be a work in progress. I ended up playing a lot of music, as it's a long time to fill, with no one in the studio to talk to. I do everything, produce the show, run the equipment, run the station, and answer the phones. No one called, this first night, but I had several emailers and texters, so someone was listening. The last hour, between 6AM and 7AM, is the hardest. My eyes are very heavy by then. After the show, I start my journey back home, taking the first of five buses. Join us next weekend, at www.seasideradio.co.uk .

UK Radio Debut

I arrived in Withernsea at 8:30AM, Saturday. As I rode the bus from Hull, I started seeing signs advertising the radio station. Seaside Radio is one block from the bus stop. It didn't take me long to walk the distance. The door was locked, but the Station Manager, Justin, let me in. Because I arrived 15 hours earlier than my show's starting time, the manager said, "you must be keen."
"Actually, it was the cheapest connection I could get," I clarified. He led me upstairs to where the new studio is located and his office. I set my heavy shoulder bag down, happy to stop lugging the thing around. I relaxed and we chatted away, Justin was playing music on the station. He advised that some presenter wasn't available. Whenever there's no one else to cover a shift, Justin does it himself. He was waiting for a female presenter, who was due to go on air at 10AM. 10AM came and no sign of her. She hadn't called, either. Justin turned to me and said, "you're here early, you can cover." I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. He expected me to jump in immediately and take over the airwaves.
After a little hesitation, I agreed to do it. I wanted the boss to think of me as someone who's willing to help in a crisis. I sat behind the board and took survey of all I needed to do. Before I got to it, I asked a few questions. Nothing major, just "how do I do" this and "what does that button, there, do?" In the beginning, I kept things simple. Just played music. That came almost naturally to me, given that I was a club DJ, over 27 years ago. From music, I moved on to talking. By the second hour, I was feeling more confident. Just when I was beginning to relax and enjoy myself, the next DJ turned up. All too soon, it was over.
Justin said, "good, now I don't have to stay with you during the first hour of your show, tonight." I worried that he still hadn't shown me how to take callers on the air. I'd just done a two hour radio shift. Ahead of me lay a marathon, seven hour shift, starting at midnight. 27 years and 9 months later, and 3,500 miles from where I started, I was back on the airwaves. D J Joey B is back. Will the world ever be the same?

On My Way

Leaving my preparation for my radio show till the day I left for Withernsea was probably not a good idea. When I got home from my day job, last night, I was tired and yet I had, seemingly, a million things to do. Originally, I had planned on taking a nap after work. That plan fell by the wayside. Instead, I was scrambling to email some songs I wanted to play, to the station. I was also listening to the station over the internet. It was the big re-launch and the first time I had he chance to hear it. The station manager was on the air.
For some reason, the audio files were extremely slow to load, when I was emailing them. It was taking too long! I still wanted to shower and have dinner, before catching my train, at 8:20PM. I also needed to place all my bets for the weekend, which involved getting the picks from Nando. After emailing two songs, I gave up. It was just taking too long. Having showered, I went downstairs to take my laundry off the line. Then Nando asked me to put a bet on, for him, on football. I didn't have time for it, if I was going to catch the bus to the train station. Thinking on my feet, I offered to do it, if Nando drove me to the train station, in his car. He agreed. That gave me enough extra time to have a quick meal.
I just managed to get Nando's bet placed and leave the house, with less than ten minutes till my train. Nando drives much slower than I do and as I sat in the passenger seat of his car, I found myself willing him to go faster. I literally just made it to the station platform as my train arrived. Once on board, I felt relaxed. All of a sudden, it hit me. In all the rushing, I had left some discs home I wanted for my show. Too late. It would have to wait for next time. Thus began a 12 hour journey, consisting of five trains and a bus, to get to Seaside Radio. I didn't mind. I was just excited to be back on radio, after 27 years and 9 months.

A Restful Evening

Finally, I had a restful night in. Last night, I stayed home for the first night this week. I hadn't seen Nando for days, as I go to work before he gets up and I've been coming home after he goes to bed. My racist, Italian housemate may be a decade younger than me, but he doesn't have my energy. My plan was to watch a little TV with him, then get some things ready for the big debut of my radio show, this weekend. I ended up falling asleep in front of the TV. Oh well, the preparation would have to wait for another day. I just needed sleep.

Start Date Confirmed

It's official! The start date for my radio show has been confirmed. My first broadcast will be Saturday night, 6 October, from midnight until 7AM, Sunday morning, on Seaside Radio. If you happen to be in the Holderness area, East of Hull, England, you can pick us up on 105.3 FM. Anywhere else and you will need to listen over the internet, at: www.seasideradio.co.uk . My show, called Night Waves, will include a combination of talk, music, and listener phone calls. Don't miss my long awaited return to radio, after 27 years and 9 months. The times given are UK time. If you live in another time zone, you will need to adjust the time accordingly. The time on the Eastern Seaboard of the United States is 5 hours earlier than here.

Major Media Announcement

Today, I returned from a weekend in Yorkshire. I went up there to meet with the Station Manager of a radio station. As a result of a successful meeting, I am going to have my own, weekly, radio show, starting next month. I will be doing overnight between Saturday night and Sunday mornings, on Seaside Radio, 105.3 FM, in Withensea, England. Those of you not in the local catchment area for the station will be able to listen over the internet. I am calling my show, "Night Waves" and it will consist of some talk and some music, with caller participation, as well. The talk will be somewhat humorous, very similar to my blog. Because of my trip, this weekend, there won't be a new Artist of the Week, this week. I hope to catch up by next Sunday. More details will be forthcoming when the start date of my show is confirmed.

A Renewal of Faith

Several weeks ago, I was driving to a pub on a Friday night, scanning radio stations for some enjoyable music. Obviously, this was when my car was still running. All of the sudden, I found this great electronic music, at the upper end of the dial. I think it was 107.3 FM. The music was drum 'n base style and perfect for driving fast on the motorway. I stayed tuned in to the station the whole way. The DJ calls herself, Lady Hektik, and she said she would send anyone a free CD of her music, if one would just send a text with one's name and address. A free CD? Now she was really playing my song.
As I was driving, I typed out the text into my mobile phone. It was all ready to go, I just needed the number to send it to. Quickly she rattled through the number, but I only managed to get the first four digits. As I was driving, I couldn't write it down. I arrived at the pub, still waiting for her to repeat the number again. I noticed there were no commercial breaks on the station. Eventually, I figured out why. It was a pirate station. No, not a station that only plays old sea shanties. An unlicensed radio station, operating "illegally." I don't remember ever hearing any pirate stations, back in America. I think the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) clamps down on them rather swiftly, there. Here in Britain, it seems that the "authorities" are much less effective at stamping out such things.
I sat in the pub parking lot, with my mobile poised in my hand, waiting for Lady Hektik to give me the vital, missing numbers. At risk was me missing last call. Finally, she ran through the number again. I sent my text off into the night, then scrambled into the pub. Weeks went by and no CD arrived. I had no reply text, nor any other indication that my request had been received. Eventually, I resigned myself to the conclusion that Lady Hektik was a bit too hectic to come through with my promised, free CD. Shrugging my shoulders, I chalked the whole thing up to experience. I guess pirate radio DJs don't live up to "the code," like pirates do in "Pirates of the Caribbean."
Then one Saturday, I came downstairs in the morning to find an envelope, addressed to me, that had come through the post, sitting on the kitchen table, with the rest of the mail. Hitler's Nephew must have put the mail there before he left the house that morning. I picked up the strange envelope and noticed that "do not bend" was written on the outside. Intrigued, I opened it. I had completely forgotten about my late night text to Lady Hektik. Well shiver me timbers! To my surprise, the envelope contained my long awaited, free CD. Lady Hektik was as good as her word. I popped the CD into my DVD player and immediately began listening to it. The music wasn't quite as good as I remembered, but it was enjoyable. Besides, the price was great. Events like this renew my faith in humanity. Lady Hektik, if you're out there somewhere, respect!

I Dreamed of James Max

This morning, I awoke from a vivid dream. I dreamed that I had called James Max on his Sunday evening radio show (5PM to 7PM, LBC 97.3 FM, London also available on Sky channel 0177, or via the net at: www.lbc973.co.uk ). In my dream, James hung up on me as soon as the conversation started. Now, why would I dream that? I missed James' show, this past Sunday, as I was traveling at the time. Did James mention me, I wonder? Or, could he have been talking about me, off the air, to someone and I picked up on it through some psychic connection? Maybe, it was something I ate.

Less Waiting For James Max

This Sunday, London radio presenter, James Max will be starting his Sunday evening show at a new time. The show, which airs on LBC 97.3, London (available on Sky Channel 0177 or via the net at: www.lbc973.co.uk [so even those of you outside Britain can listen] ) moves to its new time of 5PM, UK time, which is two hours earlier than it used to start. That means you have less of a wait till you can hear James, this Sunday, than you did this time last week. Isn't that exciting? It's still the same duration of two hours, so now it will finish at 7PM. I like the new time, because it doesn't clash with prime time TV on Sunday nights. You can get to know the real James Max via his Myspace profile ( www.myspace.com/jamesmaxlondon ). For those of you who don't yet know, James was a contestant on the hit UK TV reality show, "The Apprentice." Add him as a friend and send him a message. He likes receiving messages and comments and will respond. He also loves getting new friends. He does an entertaining show of light talk. No matter what the issue, he never gets too heavy, so you aren't put off work on Monday. Listen Sunday and you never know, I might call in.

The Real Iain Lee?

It appears that London Radio presenter, Iain Lee, is so bothered by my comments about him that he's deleted me from his Myspace "friends." This resulted in his profile disappearing from my "top friends," where it's been for the past eight and a half months, in the number one spot. In our recent interchanges, Iain put forth the incredible hypothesis that my having him in my "top friends" was intended to be more to my benefit than to his. Most other people in the Myspace world seem to operate under an alternative point of view, that being in the "top friends" benefits the person so honored, rather than the person who placed him there. Other people who would benefit from publicity on Myspace, radio presenters, bands, and musical artists, for example, so desire to be in a person's top friends, that they often offer incentives to motivate people to put them there. It would seem that Mr. Lee has cut off his nose to spite his face.
Recently, Mr. Lee has gone to lengths to explain that the person he is on the radio is different than the person he is in real life. This latest action seems to prove that point. On air, he comes across as a light-hearted, funny man, with a quick wit and a glorious sense of humor. He has often said to callers, after they disagreed, "let's not fall out over this." Now that I have had a taste of him off the air, I would conclude that he does, indeed, seem very different. After misreading a recent blog article I wrote about him ("London Radio Presenter Reverses Claim," 3 February, 2007), he seems to have taken offence at what he took to be a criticism of him. Instead of doing the clever thing and ignoring me, he broke an eight month silence to rebut my points and make some unflattering comments about me in the process. In the process, he tried to refute something which I never said. After his second and most hostile posted comment, I wrote another article bringing this to people's attention. In his second comment, Iain had claimed that it was "the last time I shall ever look at your page." However, given that he's taken this latest step after my subsequent article, suspicion is aroused that he's found some way to find out what I have written after his vow.
In my last article about him, "Has Iain Lee Lost His Sense of Humor" (8 February, 2007) I explained that his original bother seemed to be based on a misreading of what I wrote, since Iain accused me of saying something which I never said. I offered him a face saving way out of the whole episode, by suggesting that his comments, which seemed hostile on the surface, were actually his way of benefitting me. Instead of taking the out, or simply letting the whole matter fade away, it seems that he's deliberately attempted to do something he thinks will bother me. Deleting me from his "friends" and losing out on being permanently in my "top friends," seems like a petulant and vindictive act. He must really believe the absurd notion that I had him in my top friends more for my benefit than to honor him. He seems to have forgotten the old adage that there's no such thing as bad publicity. If that's the way he wants it, so be it. I already have a number of other radio presenters who are quite happy to be listed in my "top friends" and to have blog articles written about them. They are also nice enough to return the favor, following the strategy of "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." If Iain wants to be ignored, I can ignore with the best of them. So, dear readers, this shall be my last article about Iain Lee, unless there is a further reaction from him. Onward and upward, dear friends.

Has Iain Lee Lost His Sense of Humor?

Hopefully not. Perhaps it's just taken a couple of days off. I like Iain, I really do. As I performer, I mean. I don't know the man, personally, so I am only speaking of him as a radio presenter. I have written about him on many occasions, on this blog, and I have also written that he is my favorite radio presenter in the UK. That hasn't changed. It seems that my most recent blog article about my latest discussion with him, on air, may have gotten on the wrong side of him. Over the past couple of days, Iain has broken an eight month silence on my blog to post a couple of comments. They were posted on, and in response to, my article, "London Radio Presenter Reverses Claim" (03 February, 2007). Because they were posted on an article that was several days old, I have decided to reprint them, here. You may find them interesting.
First, Iain writes:
"Dont think I claimed to read your blog. The 'hows the blog going?' question was because a listener had alerted me to the fact you had been vaguely rude about me in your blog.
"Get real, I havent got time to read evereything everyone writes. It's great that you put me in your top friends, but I suspect the reason for doing this was more to help yourself than to actually promote me.
"No, I was not interested in watching you on telly. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but get this, outside of the radio show I do lots of other work and I have some semblance of a life. Christ, you didnt even have a speaking part.
"If this is in any way harsh or rude, I'm kind of sorry but not enough to lose sleep over it. It's just life dude. I'm more encouraging and helpful to new talent than a lot of people, so you criticising me for not helping you is selfish and narrow minded.
"You commented I often cut you off on the radio show - I CUT EVERYBODY OFF! You're not special in that respect either. It's a show, it's meant to be entertaining.
"I suppose I'm lucky youre not perving over me like you do with other radio presenters.
"Best of luck man, and I genuinely mean that.
"Iain
"x"
In response, I posted the following:
'Well, well, well...an actual comment from Iain Lee. I guess I should be honored. Actually, you did claim to read it, back then, because after you said, "how's the blog going," I asked you if you read it and you said, "yes." However, I doubted you were telling the truth, so I didn't lose sleep over it.
'I can't see how putting you in my "top friends" would ever "help" me. I did it, originally, because you were the person who motivated me to try Myspace and I genuinely thought you had the best show on UK radio. As far as my not having a speaking part on the "Seconds Episode," no one did. It's almost entirely narrated, outside some interview segments with the real life people involved in the incident. As far as the people who were involved in the recreation, I was the main character, with almost half the show dealing with my part.
'I can't recall ever being even vaguely rude about you in my blog, but then a lot of British people have a strange sense of what's rude. I have always used any articles where you were mentioned to promote your show, always giving the station, time, Sky Channel, and web link.
'Regarding you cutting people off, well, let's just say some people you give a lot more airtime to than others. I'm thinking of people like Yasser,Varinder, Barry. Your choice, you owe me nothing.
'At least I don't perve over "Shipwrecked" contestants, like Niff.
'It's obvious you don't regularly read my blog, because if you did, you'd realize that it's written tongue in cheek. It seems that you are taking it way too seriously.
'Anyway, thanks for finally reading it and commenting. I don't believe in luck, so instead I'll wish you success.'
I thought that would be it and that I wouldn't hear from him again. To my surprise, I found the following:
"Joseph
"this is the last time I shall ever look at your page.
"You are a very weird chap with a complete misunderstanding of how the real world works.
"I perv over Niff in the context of a radio SHOW. SHOW is a very important word here, because that is what it is. A SHOW. Its is not real life or really me. Though that was obvious, sorry if it was a bit above you.
"Yes, I lied about reading your blog. Again, it is a SHOW. Not everything I say in the SHOW is true. Christopher Lee is not my grandfather. Yet I have said he is. Are you starting to get how it works now?
"As for allowing Barry, Varinder, G-Man, Maureen and just about any other caller more time on air than you it is because they are interesting and funny! I know you Americans have a weird concept of what entertaining and funny is, but trust me, they give much more to the show than you.
"I know you will reply to this, but trust me, I aint gonna be looking at it fella so youre playing to an audience of one.
"X"
I did post a response, but for some reason, it's not there now. I will try to recreate it as best I can, from memory, but it won't be perfect.
"A second comment. This is truly a monumentus occasion. Weird is better than 'average.' I don't think you know me well enough to tell how well I understand how the real world works.
"You seem to think that I don't understand that your show is a 'SHOW.' I do. I think almost everyone who has listened to it for a while realizes that you sometimes say things which are not true. What's ironic is that you seem to be doing the very same thing that you are suggesting I do. You don't seem to get that my blog is a show, as well. I'm not an accident investigator in real life, I just play one on TV. I thought that was obvious. Sorry if it was a bit above you.
"Regarding you lying about reading my blog, you seem to have missed the part in the original article where I wrote that I have 'always questioned whether Iain actually reads it.' Since that seems to have been too subtle for you, let me translate. That means that I always suspected that you weren't telling the truth about reading my blog.
"Americans have a weird concept of what's entertaining and funny, which is why we created things like 'Seinfeld' and 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.' It would be kind of strange if callers who you give more airtime to didn't 'give more to the show.' It follows that those who are on air more 'give more.'
"Dude, lighten up. This is just a show.
"Yes, I will post a reply, because the stats tell me that, even without you, I have a larger audience than just one.
"I heard that you were in a traffic accident, today. I hope you are okay and in good health. You are welcome to come back and comment anytime, should you decide to reverse yourself again."
I noticed something, tonight, re-reading Iain's first comment. He seems to have gotten the impression that I was criticizing him for not "helping" me. I have twice reviewed my original article and I see no language in there indicating I either expected, nor asked for, "help." What I did criticize him for was for not being supportive to a loyal listener, by watching my "Seconds From Disaster" episode. Doing so wouldn't have been any "help" to me. Anyway, surely this was a mild criticism. It's possible, then, that Iain's whole reaction is based on a misunderstanding. Still, why break an eight month silence for this?
Another possibility is that this is Iain's way of encouraging and helping me. Posting two comments can only boost my readership and increase the attention my blog is getting. Iain's savvy enough that he's got to realize the positive effect for my blog of him posting comments. So, whether intentionally or unintentionally, he's helped me. Thanks dude.
You can listen to Iain on LBC 97.3, London (Sky Channel 0177, or via the net at: www.lbc973.co.uk [which means those of you abroad can listen, too]). He's on weeknights from 7PM to 10PM, London time, and he also does a Sunday night show from 10PM to 1AM.

Food Police Officer

On the "Breakfast Show," with Nick Ferrari (LBC 97.3, London), this morning, Nick had a guest on who was the headmaster of a school. This man searched the lunch boxes of his pupils to prevent "junk" food from being brought into school. It's too bad he doesn't put as much enthusiasm into teaching the kids reading, writing, arithmetic, geography, and history. This guy really takes the cake. Someone should chew him out. This shit's bananas. He's nutty as a fruitcake. Things are all going pear-shaped at this school. Such intervention won't amount to a hill of beans, in the long run. He thinks he can have their cake and eat it, too. It would be perfectly understandable if the students and their parents felt "sour grapes" over this. There might be an opportunity to market contraband food to the pupils.

Opal Dates a Famous Actor

Over the course of this past summer, I got to appear on Opal Bonfante's radio show, "London Calling," almost every day. Opal sent me an autographed photo of herself and unlike some female radio DJs, who are not very good looking, she is very attractive. The old adage, "a face for radio" definitely doesn't apply to her. Opal liked to describe herself as "hot and funny" and I agree with her. There seemed to be a certain humorous chemistry between us that made for good radio. She described my voice as, "overtly sexual." Opal started reading my blog and soon became my most dedicated reader.
As at the time, both she and I were single, I suppose it was inevitable that I would begin to fancy her. It's very difficult to date someone in show business if you aren't also in the business. Even if you are, it's very difficult for men to date up the scale. Women can pull it off if they are good looking, but for men, it's tough. Opal had a radio show, albeit on a minor station, while I was just doing a bit of acting, here and there. Radio personalities are notoriously hard to date, as they have so many propositions from listeners, they tend to put up a wall between themselves and members of the audience. To make my prospects even more difficult, Opal is only 24, while I am 47. She often stated, on air, that she wanted to marry this or that ageing rock star, usually some guy in his sixties, but that could have been just joking about, for the show. Of course there are women who will date guys twenty years their senior, but the problem is finding them. In many cases, it helps if the guy is rich, or famous, or both. I was neither...yet. The only thing I could do was display my best charms to Opal, my voice and my humor.
Off air, I confided in Opal that I had a desire to get a radio show of my own. She encouraged that aspiration. On one occasion, she even said, "we must find a way to get you on radio." Given this, I was pretty disappointed when Opal announced that she was having a young female listener, Louise, do a month of work experience on her show. Louise has also stated that she would like to be a radio presenter. Louise's great disadvantage is that she doesn't enunciate clearly. She has a slurred speaking style that isn't quite a lisp, but sounds terrible on air. To me, unless she gets rid of it, she has almost no chance of an on air career in radio. Opal having this girl work on the show seemed like a double slap in the face. Given the girl's prospects, it seems like a waste of an opportunity. Also, I wondered why Opal had never considered doing the same thing for me. Any reluctance Opal might have had to place herself in close proximity to a listener was completely ignored in this case. She even had Louise living in the same house as her, for the month.
I kept my disappointment to myself and never said anything to Opal about it. One day, Opal told me she was going to be doing a TV project. She was still going to be on the radio, but she was going to be presenting on TV on the weekends. She started traveling to Bristol for weekends, to rehearse for the TV show. I had learned that Opal had never seen any of the "Star Wars" films. In September, Sky Movies started showing all the "Star Wars" films in the order that they were originally released, one each weekend, for six weeks straight. I asked Opal how she traveled to Bristol for her rehearsals. She told me she took the train. On the Saturday that Sky was starting with the first "Star Wars" film, Opal confirmed that she would be taking the train from Bristol back to London, in the afternoon. As the train line from Bristol passes through Reading, near where I live, I asked Opal if she would like to come over and watch the first "Star Wars" film with me. I sweetened the deal by offering to cook her dinner, making allowances for her vegetarianism, of course. She declined stating that she was in a hurry to get back to London so she could go out, "kissing boys." I was disappointed, of course, but spent the evening watching "Star Wars," alone, drowning my sorrows in a bag of microwave popcorn.
The radio station where Opal worked hired a new manager. He imposed changes on Opal's show, forbidding her form taking callers on air. This was a big blow for me, as I was enjoying being a nightly regular on her show. I kept in touch with Opal anyway, demonstrating that I wasn't only interested in her because she put me on air. I felt like we had a friendship, at least, and it was good to have a show business friend. I was able to ask her advice on auditions and such, and Opal's simply a lot of fun to talk with. One evening, in the autumn, while listening to her on the radio, I heard her say that she'd like to marry someone who doesn't watch any sports on TV. I sent her a cheeky email saying that I don't watch sports on TV. She emailed me back, saying that she wasn't single anymore. Sure, I was disappointed, but I had long expected that, one day, Opal would start dating some guy, younger than me, higher up the entertainment ladder. Some guy in a band, or an actor, or something, probably in his late twenties or early thirties. Opal is quite a catch and I was surprised at how long she had remained single in the first place. I stopped calling her as much and relied more on email, which is free. I might as well save on my phone bill.
I started referring to Opal as "unsingle person," in my emails to her, in a bit of light teasing. Time passed and one evening, Opal ended up telling me her boyfriend was an old actor named "Burt." I responded by guessing, "Burt Lancaster" and "Burt Reynolds," not serious. Opal shocked me by saying his name was Burt Kwok. At first I thought it was just Opal joking around. "Is this a wind up?" I asked. She assured me she wasn't kidding. "Burt Kwok's famous," I said in amazement. Opal said she was surprised I'd ever heard of him. That must be because Opal is so young. She wasn't around in Burt's heyday. I told her Burt had played Cato in "The Pink Panther" films, had been in a James Bond film, and had been a regular on "The Harry Hill Show," on TV. She was surprised that I knew so much about him. She asked me if I was looking this all up on Google. I assured her I hadn't been, but that was a good idea. I did a Google search on Burt and looked at his IMDb page. He'd done a load of films and TV shows. He was born in Manchester, England, but raised in Shanghai. That's when it hit me. I checked his date of birth...July 18, 1930. After some quick mental arithmetic...holy cow! He's 76 years old!
"Opal, he's 76!" I emailed, in amazement. She confirmed that was true. I couldn't resist teasing her about this. "Ask him if he's got a grand-daughter for me," I emailed back. I felt a strange mix of emotions. On one hand, I was annoyed. Burt Kwok is more years older than me than I am older than Opal. While I don't have anything against big age differences between people who are dating, the fact that I had fancied Opal myself made this grate on my sensibilities a bit. "How could she prefer such an old guy over me?" I wondered to myself. Opal had acted a bit funny towards me, once, after I had written that I was from a "mixed race" background. I thought that had put her off me, but here she was dating a Chinese guy. On the other hand, it was kind of cool. I admired Burt's work as an actor and fair play to the guy if he can pull a hot 24-year-old. I emailed her again, writing, "ask him if he can fix me up with any Chinese women." She responded by saying that was the funniest request anyone had ever made of her.
Opal asked me if I was going to write about her dating Burt Kwok in my blog. I told her I would consider it. Immediately, I realized I had a potential tiger by the tail. My first thought was that it would make a fabulous scoop for my blog. Then, it occurred to me that I could sell the story to one of the tabloid newspapers. Before I would make any decisions, I talked to Opal again. I warned her that if I wrote about this in my blog, someone in the mainstream media might pick up on it. It could end up in the tabloids. I asked her if she had considered the potential publicity and would she be bothered about that? She said she doubted anyone would take any notice. We debated it back and forth. Opal said the only way to find out was for me to write about it and see if anyone in the media noticed. Still, I hesitated. Should I sell the story to a tabloid, or publish it for free, on my blog? Would Opal be bothered if I sold it to a tabloid? She didn't seem bothered at the risk that it might get picked up by the media, but would she feel differently if she found out I had deliberately sold it to them? If I expressly asked her, she might decide to sell it herself and cut me out. I needed the money worse than she did. In the back of my mind was another concern. Suppose she's just winding me up? If I was going to a tabloid, I needed to be sure the story was true. How could I do that?
I decided to ask Opal to meet me, socially, with Burt. This way, I could verify for myself if the story was true, or just a load of bullshit. In addition to fact checking the story, it would be cool to meet Burt Kwok. The first time I emailed Opal, suggesting we all go out sometime, she ignored it. I brought the subject up again, but she declined. I tried to talk her around. If I was dating someone famous, I'd share that with Opal. I would invite her to meet the person and even offer to do an exclusive interview on Opal's show. I thought we were like, friends? Don't friends help each other out? I told Opal that as my evil ex-wife, the Black Queen, was half Chinese, Burt and I were practically related. In the end, I couldn't seem to get anywhere with Opal about meeting Burt. This was adding insult to injury. It's bad enough losing out on a girl to a 76 year old man, but then to be cut out of even meeting him, socially and developing a show business friendship just made me feel worse.
I ended up sitting on the story for almost two months. At one point, Opal asked me when I was going to write the blog article about her and Burt, but I wasn't sure then. I told her I was still verifying some things. I felt uncomfortable about selling the story to the tabloids without Opal's express knowledge, as I considered her a friend. There is still some chance that it's a wind up. Given that she'd already said I could publish it in my blog, I decided to put it here, where I at least could enjoy the exclusive of being first to break the story. Some more time passed until I could get around to writing it. Perhaps you have noticed that I have been tending to do short articles, lately. In any case, I haven't been able to verify the facts, other than as I have related to you, here. Make of it what you will, all I have is what Opal's told me.

London Radio Presenter Reverses Claim

On Wednesday night, Nando was watching football in the lounge and with "Celebrity Big Brother" finished, I decided to tune in Iain Lee, on the radio. Since Iain's show has moved on LBC 97.3, London (Sky Channel 0177 or via the net at: www.lbc973.co.uk ), from afternoon drive to the new time of 7PM to 10PM, I haven't been listening as much. The new time conflicts with prime-time television. Although this wasn't the first time I have listened at the new time, it was the first time I called the show in the new time slot.
I thought it would be a good time to call, as Iain was saying they had few calls, which may have been due to the big Arsenal v Tottenham Hotspurs, football match. I wanted to ask Iain if he'd seen me on TV last week, on "Seconds From Disaster." Iain's producer, Agent Chris, was pleasent enough and did call me back. When I got on the air with Iain, I asked if he'd seen my episode of "Seconds From Disaster." Not only hadn't he seen it, he had no awareness of it, at all. I then pointed out to him that I had written about it in my blog. Last year, Iain had cliamed, on air, to read my blog. He brought it up with me during one of my calls, asking, "how's the blog going?" After I made the point that I had alerted readers to my upcoming TV episode, he said he hadn't been reading my blog. I have always questioned whether Iain actually reads it, as he has never left a comment, nor has he ever mentioned any of the material from it, on his show, that I have heard.
After discussing the new series of "24," with him, I suggested that I could let Iain know when my episode is re-broadcast again, so he could watch it, or record it on Sky Plus. Iain then said that his Sky Plus memory was "full." That is so unlikely that I suspect he was lying. He seems to have been making an excuse, because he doesn't want to watch my "Seconds" episode. When he does a TV project, he wants listeners to watch it, but he doesn't seem willing to extend the same support to a loyal listener, who's also done a lot to promote Iain's radio show. Iain Lee has been in my "top friends" since I have had a Myspace page. Last year, I wrote numerous articles about him and left comments supporting his show on several internet forums. Does his seeming complete lack of interest in me as a performer and writer warrant taking me out of my "top friends?" He did still give me air time and, for once, didn't hang up on me. I terminated the conversation.
As my blog's readership continues to grow, I urge you all to help support it. Those of you on Myspace can do this in two ways. First, I'd like each of you to get two of your Myspace friends to add me as a friend. Second, get two people you know to read my blog. If all of you do this, my friends and readership numbers should triple. If you read me on Blogspot, just get four people you know to read my blog. The bigger my readership gets, the more doors will be open for me to get material for you from inside the world of entertainment. Those of you who call talk radio, slip a mention of me and my blog into your calls. Discuss my blog articles with friends and co-workers. One day, we could be bigger than Coca-Cola and Microsoft, but only with your support. Imagine me interviewing Bill Gates.