Blogging

My regular readers have probably noticed that my once prolific blogging has, lately, slowed to almost a standstill. It's not been for lack of desire, but I am way more busy than I used to be. Also, since my car blew up, almost two years ago, getting around has become a lot more time consuming, thus using time I used to blog. I am planning on acquiring a laptop, soon. This may result in me finding more time to blog.

A Tale of Two Callers

This past Sunday morning, I had two people call in to my radio show. The first was my good friend, Mucky Sarah, also known as Miss Anjelika Jinx. Sarah writes a sex blog called "Naive London Girl." She also produces and co-presents a podcast by the same name. If you haven't checked out the blog and podcast, you should do so immediately. As a special bonus, you can sometimes hear me co-presenting with her, whenever her regular co-presenter, comedienne, Wanda, is unavailable. You can hear me on two recent episodes, "Cocaine and Hot Lesbian Sex," and "Menstruation and Oral Sex." The podcasts and blog are available at http://www.naivelondongirl.com/ . Sarah's regular co-presenter, Wanda, is very funny, even if she does refuse to go out with me.
At first, I was pleased that Sarah was listening to my show again. That pleasure quickly faded when she admitted she wasn't listening. She was on "kind of a date," but was calling me anyway, from a secret location. Well, it was nice of her to think to call in, even if she wasn't listening. I wish she would record her dates and then let me play them on the air. That could be interesting.
Some time later, another woman called in to my show. It was a new listener, Melinda, from Quincy, Illinois. She was listening to me over the internet. This was the first time I have had a caller from outside the UK. Usually, people listening to me from abroad just email. I asked her if Quincy was named after the medical examiner, from that TV show by the same name? She claimed that the town was named before the TV show. Well, that's her story. I was curious as to how she had come to listen to my "Night Waves" show. Melinda told me that Dave, from Northern Ireland, had told her about me. This is the same Dave who had traveled with me and the Station Manager, to York. I love that word of mouth publicity. Immediately, I wondered if there was some sort of romantic thing going on between them. I hinted around, trying to find out, but, whether accidentally or deliberately, Melinda didn't take the hint. Not being one to give up so easily, I asked expressly. Melinda has a very nice voice and I wondered if she was "available." Finally, she admitted that there was "something" between Dave and her.
Apparently, Melinda had flown over to Northern Ireland to visit Dave, twice, but he has, as yet, not visited her in America. What's that all about? They originally met in an internet chat room. That's the same way me and my evil ex-wife, the Black Queen, met. Within a month I had flown over to meet the Black Queen. Melinda seemed frustrated with Dave's seeming unwillingness to visit her in return. I don't blame her. Is there something about her that puts Dave off? If he isn't serious about her, he should let her know, instead of stringing her along, shouldn't he? Now, if only I could get Dave to phone in. Then he and Melinda could fight out their relationship problems on my show. That would be great, radio entertainment. Don't miss out on the fun. Listen to my weekly show, "Night Waves," on Seaside Radio, 105.3 FM, Withernsea, England. If you're not local, you can listen over the net at http://www.seasideradio.co.uk/ . If you want help with your relationship problems, email me on my show, or call in. I love to help.

A Real Costume

Yesterday was a really busy day for me. A long one, as well. First, I went to my day job, at the restaurant, arriving at 7:45AM. After working till 11:15, without my usual break at 10:00, I left and rushed over to Pinewood Studios. Traffic was moderate and the drive took 35 minutes. I made my costume fitting, scheduled for Noon, with a few minutes to spare. Walking from the gate to a temporary structure behind the 007 sound stage, a fellow supporting artiste asked me to show him the way. I am usually slightly less enthusiastic about helping guys, as opposed to pretty women, but what the hell. As I was leading the way, my new, talkative companion let slip that his father is a producer. Hello! Major networking opportunity.
Upon arrival at the marquee, we were given payment paperwork and confidentiality agreements to sign. Because of the latter, I can't say which major motion picture it is I will be working on next. The film industry can be so secretive sometimes. Usually, when I have attended a costume fitting for supporting artiste work, the costume ends up being primarily my own clothes. They look over what I have brought, add this, or takeaway that, but I end up wearing my own clothes. What fun is there in that? This time was different. I was given a complete costume, shirts, trousers, even shoes. Finally! This feels more like acting. I will enjoy playing my small part much more, knowing that I am wearing a real costume, not just my own clothes. The only items of my own that I will be wearing will be socks and underpants. Producer's son was going a bit slower and I needed to get back to work. I bade him farewell and scampered off towards the parking lot. Hopefully, I would talk to him more during filming, next week.
Rushing back to work in my rented, Italian car, I got there by 1:05PM, just five minutes later than I had hoped. I was in a great mood, having listened to my favorite Black Eyed Peas song, "Hey Mama," on the radio, in the car, while speeding down the motorway. That was the first song I ever liked by B.E.P. and every time I hear it, I can picture Fergie in the video, shaking her...ass-ets. Back at work, I struggled to catch up on my work, which had piled up while I was gone. There was no time to relax. I needed to get finished as quickly as possible, so I could head to my next project for the day.
I finished at the restaurant by 4:50PM. After a quick break in the lavatory, I raced off to return my rented car. The rental firm dropped me off at Hatton Cross Tube station. As I rushed down the stairs, to the platform, I heard a train pulling out. I reached the platform just in time to see it was an eastbound Piccadilly line train. Just the one I needed. Trains on the Heathrow spur of the Piccadilly line run a bit infrequently, so I sat down to wait for the next one. I was racing to meet my good friend, Mucky Sarah. She was producing some project of her own and needed a male for voiceover work. When she offered it to me, I jumped at the chance.
Catching the next train, I figured out I could change to the District line at Acton Town. The District line would take me to Ravenscourt Park, the nearest station to my destination. From there, I could walk to the studio where we would be recording. Unfortunately, the London Underground system was recovering from a strike, which had just ended in the early hours of Wednesday morning. Even though it was now Wednesday evening, full service had not yet been restored. The District line was running again, but only on a limited service. I ended up with a long wait at Acton Park. Sarah called me on my mobile. She'd beaten me to Ravenscourt Park. I told her to go ahead and I would meet her at the studio. Trying to be helpful, she offered me directions from Ravenscourt Park Tube station, to the studio. Even though I had a map, I took note of Sarah's directions. After all, she'd been there before and was traveling the route at that very moment. I had never been to that part of town before. Surely, her tips would save me valuable time fumbling with my map, printed from the internet.
By this time I had been going for over twelve hours. I guess was tired, or something. That could explain why I totally forgot that Sarah is navigationally challenged, even more so than most women. When driving her car, she's almost completely dependent on her GPS. When her GPS wasn't working for a while, this summer, even with computer generated directions from the internet, she still managed to get lost, twice, while driving us somewhere in northwest London. None of this was in the forefront of my mind when I left Ravenscourt Tube station. I blindly followed Sarah's directions and lived to regret it. Subsequently, it began to dawn on me that I was going the wrong way. Consulting my map and struggling to find a street sign, I eventually figured out that I was on the wrong side of Ravenscourt Park. One of the quirky things about Britain is that many intersections lack street signs. This makes navigating much more of a challenge than it is in the States. I made a right turn and cut through the park, trying to get myself back on course.
I must have gotten slightly disoriented in the park, because I ended up on the east side of it, rather than on the north side. However, I wouldn't figure that out until later. I tried comparing the streets I was seeing to the few that were named on my map. Instead of relying on this crappy Mapquest printout, I should have consulted my trusty, old, London A -Z, but as I said, I was tired. I pressed on in what seemed like the right direction. Sarah called to find out where I was. "I don't know," I said. "Your directions were shit," I informed her. A brief discussion ensued and she admitted that she had given me a wrong turn, sending me left out of the station, when it should have been right. Oopsie! Sarah started making unhelpful suggestions, based on her own habits. This included suggesting that I go back the way I came and start over. That's a well known tactic of hers. I had been walking for half an hour, by then. No way was I going to redo that, then still have the walk to the studio to do. Next, she suggested asking someone. Asking is a stereotypical female, navigational tactic, but I am a man and real men don't ask! Did Christopher Columbus ask? Hell no! She started debating with me, which wasn't helping. In fact, it was distracting. I pretended that I was getting a bad signal on my mobile and couldn't hear her. Then I hung up, saying I would call her back. When I didn't, she called back, a few minutes later. I just let my phone ring and didn't answer.
Having finally found a main road that was on my map, I tried to figure where I was along it. Lack of street signs again caused me to walk along it in the wrong direction. Those street signs I did find didn't correlate with the ones on my map. Reaching a bus stop, I consulted the local map displayed there. Finally, I knew where I was. By reversing direction and walking a bit, I was able to get to the street the studio was on. I finally arrived there, an hour late. I did it my way, as Frank Sinatra would sing. No asking strangers for directions! Male honor was satisfied.
In the studio, I offered Sarah and the sound engineer croissants, but they declined. How cool...I was able to appear generous, but without any of the negative side effects. She gave me a copy of the script I would be reading. We were recording a segment of her book, which is based on her blog. Sarah writes a sex blog, "Naive London Girl." The book is based on her blog and real life sex exploits. The publishing company she is negotiating with want to put it out as a podcast book, as well as traditional print, and wanted a sample. Sarah writes under the pen name, Anjelika Jinxs. You can check out her sex blog at: http://www.naivelondongirl.com . That site also has her podcasts, including a couple with me on them.
Looking over the script, I noticed that the male parts I was doing involved some very sleazy sex talk. This script required me saying all sorts of pathetic, sleazy things that I just wouldn't normally say to a woman. Noticing my distaste, Sarah said, "it's called acting." Sarah and I sat in a studio, together. We did a couple of practice run-throughs of the script. It's funny how Sarah can be so inhibited about so many things in day to day life, like driving without a GPS, or eating vegetables, but the filth that calmly spews forth from that girl's mouth is enough to make a sailor blush. Once we started recording, Sarah did a few bits on her own, then we did some together. Listening to the criticism of the sound engineer, we did a couple of takes of some parts, trying to get it right. Finally, we came to my last part. It was a single line, but it involved me pretending to be having an orgasm. Faking orgasms is what women do. I have no experience with that. It was my turn to feel inhibited. I did it over and over again, but Sarah wasn't satisfied. She kept urging more out of me. The problem is the character is saying things I would never say during an orgasm. Finally, the engineer said to try ad libbing it and saying whatever I was comfortable with. Once I did that a couple of times, he said he was satisfied that he had enough. He will edit parts together to produce what he and Sarah want. Sarah teased me that I don't make noisy enough orgasms. I teased her back that her scriptwriting was crap. My parts finished, I was free to leave.
We had finished a little earlier than I expected. Not wanting to repeat the disaster of my journey there, I caught a bus to Hammersmith Underground station. From there, I walked to the bus stop for the coach to Bracknell. I was happy to get the 9:50PM Coach from Hammersmith. Originally, I had been expecting to end up on the 10:50. Arriving in Bracknell after 11:30PM, I walked home from the town centre, as the local buses had stopped running by then. A Taxi would cost the equivalent of an hour's wages at the restaurant. It only took me half an hour to walk. That's the like doubling my wages. It was after midnight by the time I waked through my doorway. I felt hot and sweaty. I had just endured an 18 hour day. Uncharacteristically, I had a shower and went to bed. Blogging could wait for another day.

Happy Anniversary

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my blog. From humble beginnings on Bank Holiday weekend, last year, I have posted about 410 articles during the year. Those of you good at math will notice that averages out to slightly over one article per day. The practice of writing regularly has increased my confidence to the point where I'm ready to tackle bigger projects, like a book, for instance (publishers and editors, take note!). Over the course of the year, I have had no rewards other than the dedication of you, my readers. Fame and fortune have yet to find me, via my blog. I failed to win the Best of British Blog Awards, loosing out to a web cam of a chicken. I have made three offline friends through my blog and exponentially increased my social life. I have also enjoyed finding an outlet for the would be writer within me. Blogging gives me an outlet to an audience and it's knowing that audience is reading that keeps me going. Your comments and responses are greatly appreciated. Over the past year, my blog has been viewed over 25,000 times. If I received £1 per viewing, I'd be able to live off that. Sadly, that is not the case.
Don't worry, I'm not asking you lot to pay me. Over the next year, I'd not only like to see my readership double, I'd like it to increase exponentially. I'd like to have at least four times the number of readers and views by this time next year. That is a goal you can help me with. If you enjoy reading my blog, then tell your friends and family. I know some of you do that already and I thank you, but not all of you do. When my readership is large enough, I will gain greater access to interesting people to write about. Over the past year, I have met Pete Burns, been in the same room with Matt Damon, Albert Finney, director Paul Greengrass (United 93, Bourne Supremacy), Scott Glenn, and talked with Peaches Geldof. With your support, this blog can reach a critical mass, causing celebrities and politicians to take it seriously. How ironic that they will take seriously something I lace with humor. Please make it a project that each of you, over the next year, persuade at least three people to read my blog. If you can do more, great! Post a link on any forums, or websites you use. Use it as a conversation starter at parties and social functions. Even around the water cooler at work. You can say, "I was reading the Joseph in the Bracknell blog the other day, and..." This will certainly lead to you being more successful with members of the opposite sex. Imagine how much you'll impress your boss, if, during a business meeting, you speak up and say, "According to Joseph in the Bracknell..." then insert some clever business observation (WARNING! It will only impress your boss if you remember to insert the clever business observation.). At some point, if I get enough readers, the Queen will knight me.
Thank you all. I love all of you. Well, all except one and you know who you are.

Supermarket Reunion

My artist friend, Jan, came over to see me, Sunday. I think this was partially motivated by a desire to see how I was doing after my hospitalization, last week. I was happy for the visit, because Nando, my racist, Italian housemate, was working on Sunday. Jan actually got me out of the house, which is a rare thing on a Sunday, when I don't have an audition, nor acting work. She wanted lunch and I had some meat, but no bread to make sandwiches. Worse still, I was out of cole slaw. Jan offered to drive me to Tesco and that was an offer I couldn't refuse. I directed her to the bigger Tesco, on the far side of Bracknell. I hadn't been there for a long time, as I have taken to stopping at the even larger Tesco in Sandhurst, on the way home from work.
When we got there, I discovered some things had changed since my last visit. The first thing I noticed was part of the car park was dug up. That doesn't really help the parking situation. Inside the store, the management had undertaken a program of rearranging the layout of the store. This seems to be a common problem affecting a number of stores in the Tesco chain. As the change was in progress, there was confusion and parts of sections were split amongst two different locations. As we wandered about the store, I saw what looked like a familiar back and side of someone's head. It was my friend and former co-worker, Russell Davidson. He's also a friend on Myspace. I looked for Jan, who kept wandering off, to introduce her. She's previously found Russell's comments on my blog very funny. This was their first time meeting in real life.
Russell and I talked for a while, then he needed to finish his shopping. I have been saying that I want to get to the point with my acting where I am recognized in Tesco. This wasn't quite what I had in mind. I meant recognized by strangers who want my autograph, or want to tell me useless things about themselves, or even who want to touch my monkey. I had lost Jan again. I tend to go through a supermarket in a very methodical way, starting from one end, then going up and down each aisle, one after another, till I reach the other end. Jan, on the other hand, seems to have an approach that reminds me of a drunken walk. It careens this way and that, with lots of doubling back on itself. Appropriately, I found her in the wine section. She had talked herself into buying herself some wine. Her interest in drink is similar to my friend Tom's. "You, me, and Tom should go shopping together," I said to her. Although Tom and Jan have communicated through Myspace and on the phone, they have yet to meet face to face.
Once Jan had finished her gathering, I led us towards the checkout tills. Ironically, straight ahead of us, as we came to the end of the aisle we were in, was none other than Corazon, the Heart of Tesco. I don't remember seeing Corrie since Christmas. I pointed out Corrie to Jan and prepared to introduce her, but Jan made a lateral move to a parallel till. She thought this would be quicker, as we could both check out at the same time. I was more interested in having her meet Corazon. I wasn't in a hurry. It was Sunday, after all. Corrie said she was surprised I remembered her name. Of course I would remember, she's previously been a star of my blog (see "Heart Stopping Supermarket Checkout," July 31, 2006 on blogspot; July 26, 2006 on Myspace). While we were talking, Jan came over, as she'd finished her checking out ahead of me. In the end, I did get a chance to show Jan Corazon, after all. It was great to encounter Russell, Jan, and Corazon, all at the same time. Maybe next time, you'll be there as well.

An Election Night Without Nando

Nando arrived home sometime after I did. From my seat at my computer, I can look out over the street in front of our house. I heard the front door open and close, then I looked out and saw Nando's car. It doesn't take Sherlock Homes to figure out that it was likely that Nando just walked in the house. I set my alarm and went to sleep, trusting on technology to wake me in time for "Eastenders." When the alarm went off, I noticed that I had set it for 7:30PM, instead of 7:25. I usually give myself five minutes to get up, get dressed, and arrange myself in front of the tele. This time, I had forgotten. I struggled to put my pajamas on. Am I the only person in the world who wears pajamas almost everywhere, except to bed? The only time I wear pajamas to bed is when it's really cold, like in the dead of winter. The rest of the time , I prefer to sleep with nothing on, wearing pajamas around the house, so as not to subject my housemates to unnecessary nudity. This evening, I managed to end up with my pajama bottoms on inside out. What utter frustration! After getting them turned right side out, I hurried downstairs. I was missing my favorite soap opera.
To my surprise, I found the lounge empty and quiet. The TV was off. Nando rarely missed "Eastenders," except to watch football, or if he had to work. I looked out the window and noticed his car was gone. Where the bloody hell did he go? I hurriedly employed the two remote controls it takes to turn on our tele and my Sky box. Once "Eastenders" was on, I calmed down and relaxed on the settee I usually recline on. I wasn't pleased to discover I'd missed seven minutes of the program. How did that happen? Surely, it didn't take that long to sort my pajamas out? Later, I discovered the clock on my mobile, whose alarm I employ, was four minutes slow.
After "Eastenders" finished, I looked on the TV menu to decide what I would watch at 8PM. Checking the week's premiers, on Sky Movies, I noticed a film entitled, "Rumor Has It." I had never heard of it. All the other films starting then I had seen already. Checking the information on "Rumor Has It," I noted that it stars Jennifer Aniston. Who likes Jennifer Aniston more than me? No one, I'm sure. Kevin Costner is in it too. He's okay. Shirley MacLaine, she has her moments. Still undecided, I looked through everything else on that night, on all the channels I usually watch. Nothing else looked appealing. I decided to give "Rumor Has It" a try. As the film started, I took advantage of my free landline calls after 8 and called my artist friend, Jan. She is accompanying me to the world premier of "Traffic WARden," tomorrow evening. I wanted to coordinate where we are meeting tomorrow. Once that was settled, I told Jan that I was watching Jennifer Aniston. We discussed Jennifer's looks. As she appeared in a close up, on screen, I exclaimed, "what an interesting neck she has!"
Over the phone, Jan said, "it's long."
"How do you know?" I asked? "You're not watching." Jan remembered from seeing Jennifer play Rachel, on "Friends." Jan's artist's eye often makes note of the physical details of a person's appearance. "Jennifer Aniston is very beautiful, but in an unusual sort of way," I said.
"She looks vulnerable," Jan explains.
Vulnerable hadn't occurred to me. "Her eyes are close together," I counter," and her nose is a bit on the big side. And she has such lovely hair." After a pause, "I prefer her to Angelina Jolie" Brad Pitt and I differ on at least that point. Changing the subject, I ask Jan, "what should I blog about, tonight?" Most of my friends are probably sick of that question. I'm sure all of the ones I speak to regularly have endured that question several times.
"Jennifer Aniston," Jan suggested.
"No, I can't do that," I reply. "I don't have anything appropriate to say about her. Besides, she's one of my friends on Myspace and she could end up reading it." After a brief interlude, where I paid attention to the film, I went off on a different tangent. "Anything's better than that May Day crap I wrote, the other night."
"I thought it was funny," Jan countered.
"You would say that." I think Jan's biased in my favor. "It seemed to be all over the place and didn't have much point."
"I think the point is that you don't like to work."
"It felt like some pointless blob I spat out onto the screen." I'm my own worst critic. "I've read some blogs out there that are absolute rubbish. Some people's blogs are absolute crap. Some write a sentence, then post a picture. Then another sentence followed by another picture. It's so juvenile. It's like reading a Dr. fucking Seuss book, without the rhyming." Jan laughed heartily. "You remind me of the Hungarian woman I worked with at the studios, last week. She would have laughed at that. I think you two would like each other. You would really get along."
Jan agreed and her laughter subsided, gradually, like a house settling onto its foundations. "I didn't even get shortlisted for that Best of British Blog awards. You know what beat me out to win the Weird and Wonderful category? A blog about chickens. A webcam in a hen house. I don't even get shortlisted and a webcam in a hen house wins." I was on a roll. I suppose I felt a little like the way Jennifer Aniston felt when Brad Pitt left her to be with Angelina.
"What's popular is never what's good," Jan said, trying to comfort me.
"I don't get shortlisted and some bloody chickens win. How interesting can chickens be? I don't think enough of you nominated me," I stated.
"I did," Jan replies, a little too quickly.
"Not enough people did, I bet." After a long pause, I realized that I was no closer to finding a blog topic and I had totally lost the plot of the film. Jan and I ended the conversation and I tried to catch on to what happened in the film. It was no use. Then it occurred to me that the film is restarting at 9PM. I set the TV to the appropriate channel and went upstairs. I figured I could mess around on the computer till the film restarts.
While I was surfing the net, the doorbell suddenly rang. Who the heck could it have been? Reluctantly, I ran downstairs to open the door. There was a time when I would open the door to find the Exotic Flower standing there. That time is no more. Besides, the Flower always knocked. She never rang the bell. I never did find out why. Upon opening the door, I was confronted by an unattractive, old woman. I wondered what she wanted.
"We're coming round to remind you that the polls are still open, if you were planning to use your vote," the old crone said. We're? She was all on her own. What does she have, multiple personality disorder, or something?
"I'm foreign and even if I could vote, I wouldn't," I explained, barely containing my contempt. To be disturbed over something as rubbish as politics. Oh for Pete's sake! Possibly sensing that she wasn't going to get anywhere with me, the old woman turned to go. I couldn't shut the door quick enough. I had forgotten it was election day, in the UK.
At 9PM, I sat back down to try watching "Rumor Has It," again. Without distractions, I found it funny and entertaining. Kevin Costner plays a man who has had sex with Jennifer Aniston's character's mother and grandmother. He caps that off by having sex with Aniston's character as well. Now that's entertainment! Shirley MacLaine is funny in it, as well. Some critics panned it, but I thought it was quite enjoyable. Near the end, Nando walked in. He'd been working. When I told him how much I'd been enjoying the film, he said he'd put it on for 15 minutes, the other night, and switched it off. Nando doesn't have much patience for comedies. "This film's too subtle for you," I explained to him. I had gone through some trials and tribulations on an election night without Nando around.

You Never Know Who's Reading.

Yesterday, at work, I found out that the Assistant Manager of the restaurant has started reading my blog. I got into a conversation with her and the new Manager, after I finished my work. I should have left immediately and gone to get my haircut, as planned, but I so love to talk and perform in front of even the tiniest audience. Anyway, I managed to get my hair cut today, instead.
The Assistant Manager mentioned that I never seem to write about her, in my blog. I'm not sure if that was a complaint, or merely an observation. The simple matter is that she and I don't interact that much, on a daily basis. Also, I tend to write about the people at work who do something stupid. She just doesn't do much in the way of dumb stuff. Recently, she started wearing some new shoes to work. I suppose I could start writing about that. They are black, heeled sandals, with a closed toe. A wise choice, they look great on her. She also had her hair cut and is sporting a new hair style. I'm not sure why she's getting all glammed up, as she's already married. With a charming smile and big eyes. she doesn't need new clothing, or a new hairstyle, to get people to do what she wants. I wonder if the knowledge that she is reading my blog is enough to cause me to hold back on what I say?

Cat Nap

I have fallen into a new pattern. I keep falling asleep while watching TV, then waking up in the middle of the night. I thought one cause of this was not taking my traditional nap when I get home from work. Since Nando came back from Italy, I have been sitting with him and watching TV, when I get home, rather than napping. Here in England, many people say "kip," instead of nap. I wonder where that came from? They have lots of odd little ways of saying things, here. That's one of the things that makes Britain a fun place to visit if you are American. They sort of speak English, but it's different enough to feel foreign. Anyway, today I did have a kip, but still I fell asleep early, then woke up again. Oh dear, what ever is happening with my sleeping pattern?
Sometimes I think it would be great not to have to sleep. I know I feel sleepy just because there is a chemical released in my body to make me feel that way. If I didn't have to sleep, there would be more time to get stuff done. I wouldn't feel pressured to rush out a blog article and end up writing about almost nothing. On the other hand, I enjoy sleeping so much. Have you ever noticed how cats sleep a lot? That must be the life. The biggest decisions a cat has to make, on any given day, are, "do I sleep now, or latter?" and "should I sleep here, or there?" Oh no, the birds have started chirping. Maybe that's why cats chase birds, so they will stop making that bloody racket and ruining an opportunity to sleep. Oh well, I am off to bed.

Still Time To Nominate

Folks, there's still time to nominate my bog for the Best of Brit Blog Awards 2007, sponsored by Metro newspaper and Ask.com. Remember, you don't have to be a UK resident to nominate. Nominations close on March 22, so hurry, there are only a few days left! The more times I am nominated, the better. It costs you nothing and, after all, you get to read my blog for free, so throw me a bone and let me get a little recognition. I might win a prize, as well. Thanks to all those who have nominated me, so far. The rest of you, come on! I don't usually ask for much, other than to date your friends and for stuff you are going to throw away anyway. To nominate my blog, go to: http://www.metro.co.uk/blogawards . Thanks, I love you all.

Where Have All the Flowers Gone?

Do you want the good news first, or the bad news? The good news is that M1 is moving out. In fact, he's mostly gone already. He spent most of this afternoon ferrying his stuff to his new residence. I am happy to see the back of him. I don't suffer fools gladly. I won't have to listen to his ridiculously loud exhaust system on his car anymore. But...the bad news is, this means I won't see the Exotic Flower anymore. That's right, no more of the exotic beauty, who had more curves than sense. It's not just that I will miss her sizzling hot, sexy body, her girlish ways, baby doll eyes, and sensuous voice. She gave me so much material to write about.
M1 decided to accept an offer from the Flower to move into her parents house. Her father must have more tolerance than I do to agree to a man moving into his 17-year-old daughter's room. As recently as Thursday, M1 was complaining to me about how annoying women (read the Flower) can be. Today, before they'd left the house, they were bickering with each other and I heard him shout at her for the first time since I met them. If he gets that aggravated seeing her part of the time, what's he going to be like living with her? On top of that, he will have mum and dad to contend with. All that just to save a couple of hundred Pounds a month in rent. In the long run, I think it would have been better to try to get more steady work. I predict that it will all end in tears. Darn it, that blows my plans to try to get the Flower to give me free haircuts.

Some Commentary

I feel like I have been a bit remiss over the past couple of weeks. I haven't commented on quite a few things that have been going on in the world outside my personal life. There is too much for me to catch up writing a blog article about each item, so I have decided to post some brief comments on some of the things that have caught my attention, here.
Fines for being caught using a mobile (cell) phone handset while driving have doubled, here in the UK. For the first time, penalty points will accrue to licenses, if you are caught. What a load of crap. Are people in Britain somehow less capable of driving a car than people in other places? While the totalitarian State of New York has joined the nanny state band wagon and also banned handset use while driving, some places in America don't seem to have. I see people driving and using handsets in American TV shows all the time. As most American TV shows are filmed in California, it leads me to suspect that California hasn't succumbed to the lure of banning handset use yet. I hope one of my California readers will comment and confirm whether that is so, or not. Newsflash Bozos...it doesn't take having two hands constantly on the wheel to drive safely. Mobile phones were originally intended to be used while driving. Studies show that talking with a hands-free kit is just as distracting as using a mobile without a hands-free kit. What's next? Banning conversation in cars?
Not to be less than thorough, the terrocrats here are prosecuting people caught eating while driving and drinking non-alcoholic beverages while driving. If you weren't meant to drink while driving, they wouldn't have invented cup holders. When you are stuck in bumper to bumper London traffic, during the morning commute, you might as well have an egg McMuffin.
The man who would be Emperor (i.e. Prime Minister), Gordon Brown, continues to come out with daft suggestions. Recently, Gordo has suggested that immigrants should be required to do community service before becoming British Citizens. As an immigrant, let me say the following. Sod you, Gordo. Most of us immigrants work hard at jobs that native Brits turn their noeses up at and for less pay. If you don't require community service from native born, why should you from us? Why don't you get your own, power hungry ass out there and do community service? Actually, just disappear as that would be the best service you could do anyone in this country.
Not to be outdone, Prince Charles called for McDonald's to be banned to promote a healthier lifestyle. Maybe princes should be banned, to promote a saner lifestyle.
Scotland Yard confessed that police are hunting more than 4,000 suspects who have jumped bail over the last two years. Maybe if they weren't so busy trying to stop motorists from eating some crisps while driving, they'd have time to attend to the bail jumpers.
That's enough for now. I'm hungry.

I Screwed Up a Bit

I forgot to let you all know that a TV show I did was airing, yesterday. I only found out Friday evening. I meant to write about it, here, but forgot, as I went out for the day, yesterday. I only got home just before the show started and when I remembered I hadn't written about it, it was too late. It was the first episode of "X Forum," on Legal TV, which airs on Sky Channel 215. I don't know if it will be repeated, but don't fret. Legal TV have promised to send me a link by which you can watch it online. I will let you know when I have that.

Best of Brit Blog Awards 2007

Metro newspaper and Ask.com are presenting a Best of Brit Blog Awards 2007. I am hoping you, my dear, loyal readers, will nominate my blog for consideration. The actual judging is done by a panel. Although the competition is only open to blogs by UK residents, which I am, anyone in any country can nominate. That means those of you who are outside the UK can still nominate me. To nominate and find out more, go to: http://www.metro.co.uk/blogawards . Please nominate my blog at its blogspot version, which is: http://josephinthebracknell.blogspot.com/ . Thanks all of you for your continued support. Remember to introduce my blog to two of your friends or family, right away.

The Real Iain Lee?

It appears that London Radio presenter, Iain Lee, is so bothered by my comments about him that he's deleted me from his Myspace "friends." This resulted in his profile disappearing from my "top friends," where it's been for the past eight and a half months, in the number one spot. In our recent interchanges, Iain put forth the incredible hypothesis that my having him in my "top friends" was intended to be more to my benefit than to his. Most other people in the Myspace world seem to operate under an alternative point of view, that being in the "top friends" benefits the person so honored, rather than the person who placed him there. Other people who would benefit from publicity on Myspace, radio presenters, bands, and musical artists, for example, so desire to be in a person's top friends, that they often offer incentives to motivate people to put them there. It would seem that Mr. Lee has cut off his nose to spite his face.
Recently, Mr. Lee has gone to lengths to explain that the person he is on the radio is different than the person he is in real life. This latest action seems to prove that point. On air, he comes across as a light-hearted, funny man, with a quick wit and a glorious sense of humor. He has often said to callers, after they disagreed, "let's not fall out over this." Now that I have had a taste of him off the air, I would conclude that he does, indeed, seem very different. After misreading a recent blog article I wrote about him ("London Radio Presenter Reverses Claim," 3 February, 2007), he seems to have taken offence at what he took to be a criticism of him. Instead of doing the clever thing and ignoring me, he broke an eight month silence to rebut my points and make some unflattering comments about me in the process. In the process, he tried to refute something which I never said. After his second and most hostile posted comment, I wrote another article bringing this to people's attention. In his second comment, Iain had claimed that it was "the last time I shall ever look at your page." However, given that he's taken this latest step after my subsequent article, suspicion is aroused that he's found some way to find out what I have written after his vow.
In my last article about him, "Has Iain Lee Lost His Sense of Humor" (8 February, 2007) I explained that his original bother seemed to be based on a misreading of what I wrote, since Iain accused me of saying something which I never said. I offered him a face saving way out of the whole episode, by suggesting that his comments, which seemed hostile on the surface, were actually his way of benefitting me. Instead of taking the out, or simply letting the whole matter fade away, it seems that he's deliberately attempted to do something he thinks will bother me. Deleting me from his "friends" and losing out on being permanently in my "top friends," seems like a petulant and vindictive act. He must really believe the absurd notion that I had him in my top friends more for my benefit than to honor him. He seems to have forgotten the old adage that there's no such thing as bad publicity. If that's the way he wants it, so be it. I already have a number of other radio presenters who are quite happy to be listed in my "top friends" and to have blog articles written about them. They are also nice enough to return the favor, following the strategy of "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." If Iain wants to be ignored, I can ignore with the best of them. So, dear readers, this shall be my last article about Iain Lee, unless there is a further reaction from him. Onward and upward, dear friends.

Has Iain Lee Lost His Sense of Humor?

Hopefully not. Perhaps it's just taken a couple of days off. I like Iain, I really do. As I performer, I mean. I don't know the man, personally, so I am only speaking of him as a radio presenter. I have written about him on many occasions, on this blog, and I have also written that he is my favorite radio presenter in the UK. That hasn't changed. It seems that my most recent blog article about my latest discussion with him, on air, may have gotten on the wrong side of him. Over the past couple of days, Iain has broken an eight month silence on my blog to post a couple of comments. They were posted on, and in response to, my article, "London Radio Presenter Reverses Claim" (03 February, 2007). Because they were posted on an article that was several days old, I have decided to reprint them, here. You may find them interesting.
First, Iain writes:
"Dont think I claimed to read your blog. The 'hows the blog going?' question was because a listener had alerted me to the fact you had been vaguely rude about me in your blog.
"Get real, I havent got time to read evereything everyone writes. It's great that you put me in your top friends, but I suspect the reason for doing this was more to help yourself than to actually promote me.
"No, I was not interested in watching you on telly. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but get this, outside of the radio show I do lots of other work and I have some semblance of a life. Christ, you didnt even have a speaking part.
"If this is in any way harsh or rude, I'm kind of sorry but not enough to lose sleep over it. It's just life dude. I'm more encouraging and helpful to new talent than a lot of people, so you criticising me for not helping you is selfish and narrow minded.
"You commented I often cut you off on the radio show - I CUT EVERYBODY OFF! You're not special in that respect either. It's a show, it's meant to be entertaining.
"I suppose I'm lucky youre not perving over me like you do with other radio presenters.
"Best of luck man, and I genuinely mean that.
"Iain
"x"
In response, I posted the following:
'Well, well, well...an actual comment from Iain Lee. I guess I should be honored. Actually, you did claim to read it, back then, because after you said, "how's the blog going," I asked you if you read it and you said, "yes." However, I doubted you were telling the truth, so I didn't lose sleep over it.
'I can't see how putting you in my "top friends" would ever "help" me. I did it, originally, because you were the person who motivated me to try Myspace and I genuinely thought you had the best show on UK radio. As far as my not having a speaking part on the "Seconds Episode," no one did. It's almost entirely narrated, outside some interview segments with the real life people involved in the incident. As far as the people who were involved in the recreation, I was the main character, with almost half the show dealing with my part.
'I can't recall ever being even vaguely rude about you in my blog, but then a lot of British people have a strange sense of what's rude. I have always used any articles where you were mentioned to promote your show, always giving the station, time, Sky Channel, and web link.
'Regarding you cutting people off, well, let's just say some people you give a lot more airtime to than others. I'm thinking of people like Yasser,Varinder, Barry. Your choice, you owe me nothing.
'At least I don't perve over "Shipwrecked" contestants, like Niff.
'It's obvious you don't regularly read my blog, because if you did, you'd realize that it's written tongue in cheek. It seems that you are taking it way too seriously.
'Anyway, thanks for finally reading it and commenting. I don't believe in luck, so instead I'll wish you success.'
I thought that would be it and that I wouldn't hear from him again. To my surprise, I found the following:
"Joseph
"this is the last time I shall ever look at your page.
"You are a very weird chap with a complete misunderstanding of how the real world works.
"I perv over Niff in the context of a radio SHOW. SHOW is a very important word here, because that is what it is. A SHOW. Its is not real life or really me. Though that was obvious, sorry if it was a bit above you.
"Yes, I lied about reading your blog. Again, it is a SHOW. Not everything I say in the SHOW is true. Christopher Lee is not my grandfather. Yet I have said he is. Are you starting to get how it works now?
"As for allowing Barry, Varinder, G-Man, Maureen and just about any other caller more time on air than you it is because they are interesting and funny! I know you Americans have a weird concept of what entertaining and funny is, but trust me, they give much more to the show than you.
"I know you will reply to this, but trust me, I aint gonna be looking at it fella so youre playing to an audience of one.
"X"
I did post a response, but for some reason, it's not there now. I will try to recreate it as best I can, from memory, but it won't be perfect.
"A second comment. This is truly a monumentus occasion. Weird is better than 'average.' I don't think you know me well enough to tell how well I understand how the real world works.
"You seem to think that I don't understand that your show is a 'SHOW.' I do. I think almost everyone who has listened to it for a while realizes that you sometimes say things which are not true. What's ironic is that you seem to be doing the very same thing that you are suggesting I do. You don't seem to get that my blog is a show, as well. I'm not an accident investigator in real life, I just play one on TV. I thought that was obvious. Sorry if it was a bit above you.
"Regarding you lying about reading my blog, you seem to have missed the part in the original article where I wrote that I have 'always questioned whether Iain actually reads it.' Since that seems to have been too subtle for you, let me translate. That means that I always suspected that you weren't telling the truth about reading my blog.
"Americans have a weird concept of what's entertaining and funny, which is why we created things like 'Seinfeld' and 'Curb Your Enthusiasm.' It would be kind of strange if callers who you give more airtime to didn't 'give more to the show.' It follows that those who are on air more 'give more.'
"Dude, lighten up. This is just a show.
"Yes, I will post a reply, because the stats tell me that, even without you, I have a larger audience than just one.
"I heard that you were in a traffic accident, today. I hope you are okay and in good health. You are welcome to come back and comment anytime, should you decide to reverse yourself again."
I noticed something, tonight, re-reading Iain's first comment. He seems to have gotten the impression that I was criticizing him for not "helping" me. I have twice reviewed my original article and I see no language in there indicating I either expected, nor asked for, "help." What I did criticize him for was for not being supportive to a loyal listener, by watching my "Seconds From Disaster" episode. Doing so wouldn't have been any "help" to me. Anyway, surely this was a mild criticism. It's possible, then, that Iain's whole reaction is based on a misunderstanding. Still, why break an eight month silence for this?
Another possibility is that this is Iain's way of encouraging and helping me. Posting two comments can only boost my readership and increase the attention my blog is getting. Iain's savvy enough that he's got to realize the positive effect for my blog of him posting comments. So, whether intentionally or unintentionally, he's helped me. Thanks dude.
You can listen to Iain on LBC 97.3, London (Sky Channel 0177, or via the net at: www.lbc973.co.uk [which means those of you abroad can listen, too]). He's on weeknights from 7PM to 10PM, London time, and he also does a Sunday night show from 10PM to 1AM.

London Radio Presenter Reverses Claim

On Wednesday night, Nando was watching football in the lounge and with "Celebrity Big Brother" finished, I decided to tune in Iain Lee, on the radio. Since Iain's show has moved on LBC 97.3, London (Sky Channel 0177 or via the net at: www.lbc973.co.uk ), from afternoon drive to the new time of 7PM to 10PM, I haven't been listening as much. The new time conflicts with prime-time television. Although this wasn't the first time I have listened at the new time, it was the first time I called the show in the new time slot.
I thought it would be a good time to call, as Iain was saying they had few calls, which may have been due to the big Arsenal v Tottenham Hotspurs, football match. I wanted to ask Iain if he'd seen me on TV last week, on "Seconds From Disaster." Iain's producer, Agent Chris, was pleasent enough and did call me back. When I got on the air with Iain, I asked if he'd seen my episode of "Seconds From Disaster." Not only hadn't he seen it, he had no awareness of it, at all. I then pointed out to him that I had written about it in my blog. Last year, Iain had cliamed, on air, to read my blog. He brought it up with me during one of my calls, asking, "how's the blog going?" After I made the point that I had alerted readers to my upcoming TV episode, he said he hadn't been reading my blog. I have always questioned whether Iain actually reads it, as he has never left a comment, nor has he ever mentioned any of the material from it, on his show, that I have heard.
After discussing the new series of "24," with him, I suggested that I could let Iain know when my episode is re-broadcast again, so he could watch it, or record it on Sky Plus. Iain then said that his Sky Plus memory was "full." That is so unlikely that I suspect he was lying. He seems to have been making an excuse, because he doesn't want to watch my "Seconds" episode. When he does a TV project, he wants listeners to watch it, but he doesn't seem willing to extend the same support to a loyal listener, who's also done a lot to promote Iain's radio show. Iain Lee has been in my "top friends" since I have had a Myspace page. Last year, I wrote numerous articles about him and left comments supporting his show on several internet forums. Does his seeming complete lack of interest in me as a performer and writer warrant taking me out of my "top friends?" He did still give me air time and, for once, didn't hang up on me. I terminated the conversation.
As my blog's readership continues to grow, I urge you all to help support it. Those of you on Myspace can do this in two ways. First, I'd like each of you to get two of your Myspace friends to add me as a friend. Second, get two people you know to read my blog. If all of you do this, my friends and readership numbers should triple. If you read me on Blogspot, just get four people you know to read my blog. The bigger my readership gets, the more doors will be open for me to get material for you from inside the world of entertainment. Those of you who call talk radio, slip a mention of me and my blog into your calls. Discuss my blog articles with friends and co-workers. One day, we could be bigger than Coca-Cola and Microsoft, but only with your support. Imagine me interviewing Bill Gates.