Tuesday, June 26, 2007

He Uses My Rice Cooker!

Those of you who have been keeping up with my blog, lately, know that the cold war has spread, at my house, from between me and Hitler's Nephew, to me and Nando, my racist, Italian housemate. As the two of them recreate the famous Axis alliance of World War II, I am not speaking to either of them. Hitler's Nephew started the whole thing, by stopping speaking to me. So, anyway, Sunday night, I am sitting in the lounge, watching TV, when I notice Hitler's Nephew in the kitchen. He was using my rice cooker! What cheek! (that's a wonderful British America, we'd say, "what nerve," but "what cheek" sounds so much nicer)!! If I'm not good enough to talk to, then he should keep his fat hands off my rice cooker.
In World War II, the Axis powers included Japan. My evil ex-wife, the Black Queen, could stand in for the Japanese. She is half Chinese and half English. Her English DNA mutes the traditional Chinese features in a way that might be able to be passed off as Japanese. The three of them make up the latest "Axis of Evil." Forget about Iraq, Iran, and North Korea. Look at what I've got to deal with. I must have the patience of Job. I'd rather have the money of Steve Jobs. Back to the rice cooker. What should I do to retaliate? Would peeing on his motorcycle be going too far?

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Blogger © Karelian Blonde said...

Maybe you can do a modified version of this marvellous story:


Couple were divorcing.
The wife spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.

Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in
the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was , he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day.

She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.........

And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the the curtain rods!!!!!!

7:03 AM  
Blogger JosephintheBracknell said...

Great story, but it would require that I move out. If I do, I'm never coming back.

5:46 PM  

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