Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Supermarket Jackpot

I had originally planned on stopping at Tesco on the way home from work, yesterday, but when I got out of work, I went to get my hair cut. By the time I was finished at the barber's, I didn't feel like shopping. Never do now what you can put off till tomorrow, I always say. So, I put off shopping till today. For once, things worked out in my favor.
The last time I went shopping was Friday. I went to the Tesco on the other side of town that time. On the way out of the car park (parking lot), after shopping, some dope in a van stopped at an intersection in the car park, with his vehicle halfway into the oncoming traffic lane. I was waiting to turn right into that lane, which is the most direct route out of the car park. The twat in the van could have turned left, which would have taken him into the first lane of parking, but he couldn't go straight as my car was in the way. Instead of turning, so we could both get on with it, he just sat there. I have very little patience for idiots, so after waiting for him to move, I turned my car anyway and pulled up next to him. He had passed a car stopped in the lane he should have been in, but hadn't moved completely back over. His van was on a slight angle. I thought that when he saw me turn, he'd go where ever he wanted to go, as he was now free to go straight ahead, or turn left. That would have been the clever thing to do, but he must not have been too clever. So instead of moving on, he rolled down his driver's side window. I responded by rolling down mine. I said, "could you please move, so we can both be on our way?"
Instead of taking the hint, he shouted something about getting out and punching me out. He looked about half my size. Why do guys half my size keep trying to pick fights with me? "Come on then, get out," I said. The funny thing was that our vehicles were so close to each other, he couldn't open his door. He had to move forward of my car to clear his door. Once he moved, my way was clear and I drove off. Much as I would have enjoyed giving this jerk a smack, I couldn't be bothered. Besides, he had some boy in the van with him. I presume it was his son, although it might have been some kid he picked up while trolling schoolyards. It's best not to have witnesses for such altercations.
After I pulled off, the smart thing for this dipstick to do was park and go do his shopping. Not this fellow. He drives around the next lane in the car park and tries to catch up to me. Luckily for him, as I said earlier, I couldn't be bothered. I noticed what he was trying to do and increased my rate of travel. If this twat thought he was going to catch me, he had another thing coming. I was driving a BMW 730i, three liter V-8, 200 horsepower, fuel injected, ultimate driving machine. He was in an underpowered, British van. As I moved out onto the local roads, the only thing making it a contest was the slow traffic in front of me. At the first opportunity, I put the pedal to the floor. The BMW, five speed automatic downshifted and the V-8 roared to life. After overtaking the slower cars, I planned a route towards some high speed roads, where I could lose the twat. I didn't want him following me home and then coming back later to vandalize my car. The German car I was driving made short work of his poxy van and soon, he was nowhere in site.
Because of this little adventure, I figured it was better to shop at the big Tesco, near work, today. Anybody moronic enough to try pursuing me through the Berkshire countryside, just so I could kick his ass, was probably the type to look for my car in the Tesco parking lot. It turned out to be a good thing I did. When I went to pick up some cole slaw, I discovered the higher quality Tesco cole slaw was marked down, because it had reached it's sell by date. A 600 gram container was only ten Pence. Normally, I paid thirty-eight Pence for 500 grams of Tesco Value cole slaw, which isn't as good. There was a goofy, middle aged woman in front of the cole slaw, with what looked to be her son, debating whether to buy any. The son was in favor of it, but the woman was arguing against it, as it was at the sell by date and she didn't think they could use it up right away. Oh for Pete's sake! It's the sell by date, not the use by date. I wished they would have their debate somewhere else, so the rest of us could buy some. Sometimes, there are advantages to being over six feet tall. As she leaned over to pick up a container out of her trolley, I reached over her and grabbed four containers as fast as I could. She may have wanted to pass up such a deal, but I didn't. After placing the four containers of cole slaw in my bachelor basket, I noticed that the Tesco premium potato salad was marked down, as well. I grabbed four containers of that, as well. Such a deal"! It was like winning the lottery, or something.
My good fortune continued as I next found a package of Tesco beansprout stir fry mix marked down to only twenty-four Pence, from its normal sixty-nine. Then I discovered some name brand, quilted toilet paper on sale, nine rolls for only £1.84. Frozen sweetcorn was in stock. I also picked up some Tesco hot dogs and Tesco Value peanuts. At the checkout, I had estimated my total at about £7. When the cashier finished ringing my purchases up, I had only spent £5.37. I felt like I had hit the jackpot. I love it when a plan comes together. Oh, I think I have been watching too much of Dirk Benedict on "Celebrity Big Brother." I'm starting to quote "A Team" lines. Yes, I know that was Hannibal's line, not the Faceman's.


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