Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Toilet Humor

On Saturday, I had to attend a costume fitting, in London, for the feature film I am working on. It got me out of the house fairly early, but once I got there, it didn't last long. I was home again, by midday. When I walked inside the house, I discovered M1 and the Exotic Flower, downstairs, watching TV. After changing clothes, I noticed that my shampoo bottle was sitting on the side of the tub, in the bathroom. That wasn't where I left it. S1 had gone out before me, that morning. Then I had showered and left. That seemed to indicate that either the Flower, or M1, had moved it. The bottle was almost empty and the culprit had put it upside down, to make it easier to get the remainder out.
Back downstairs, I told the couple that my shampoo had been moved and asked if one of them had used it. The Flower immediately denied that either of them would use it. I noticed that M1 didn't say anything. The Flower explained that they only used expensive shampoo and wouldn't use my Tesco store brand. If neither of them used it, one of them moved the bottle, I countered, because S1 went out before me and I used it when I showered. They were the only people in the house, until I came back. She denied moving it, but I noticed that M1 hadn't said anything, yet. I pointed that out to the Flower. She asked him if he'd moved it, but he didn't answer. The Flower then said it felt like a detective investigation. "That's how things are detected," I said. She repeated that they wouldn't use such cheap shampoo. "What a stuck up cow," I thought. She sounded like she's been watching too much "My Super Sweet 16." Perhaps, if they used cheaper shampoo, they could afford to pay all their bills, like contributing to Sky.
The Flower suggested that the only reason either of them would touch my shampoo was if one of them knocked it over. She then prompted M1, saying, "you tend to knock things over when you clean the bath tub, don't cha?" Still, he didn't answer. I gave them the out that possibly, it was S1 who'd been using the shampoo, but that, in the future, if they knock over my shampoo bottle, to please put it back where it was originally.
The next day, I slept late. I didn't get up till past 1PM. When I went down for Sunday brunch (I really hate the expression, "brunch." I should stop saying it.), once again, M1 and the Flower were in the lounge, watching Sky. The Flower asked me if I put the toilet seat down, after peeing. Don't even go there...that's one of my pet peeves. "Do you put it up, after you've peed?" I think she was getting even with me for the shampoo inquiry the day before.
"I'm not having a go, I just wondered," she said, maneuvering for the diplomatic high ground. "It's just icky to have to touch the seat."
"So, I should have to touch it twice, just so you don't have to once?" Why do so many women go on about toilet seats? It's just as inconvenient for a man to have to put it up as it is for a woman to have to put it down. When I pointed out that M1 and I need it up, she countered by informing me that M1 pees sitting down, like a woman. "What?" What's wrong with that boy? Then she stated asking me how often I clean the toilet. She complained that she cleans it every time she comes over. This was getting out of hand. She doesn't even live here, technically, just stays over half the week. Maybe she can pull this crap on M1, because she threatens to withhold sex, if she doesn't get her way. However, she doesn't have sex with me, so that ploy won't work with me. I told her that she was free to clean it any time she wasn't happy with the state of it. I went into the kitchen to prepare my meal, effectively cutting the conversation short. She may be hot and sexy, but that will only get her so far.
I returned to the lounge and sat down with my first meal of the day. My old favorite of a hot dog, with yellow mustard, some cole slaw and potato salad. As I started to enjoy my food, the Flower asked, "how can you eat cole slaw with a hot dog?"
"Like this," I said, and then I took a fork full of cole slaw and put it into my mouth. M1 found my reply amusing. The Flower looked on with her babydoll, brown eyes, then asked M1 what was in the other container.
"Potato salad," he replied. That's one mystery solved.


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