Saturday, November 18, 2006

Britney, Britney, Britney

The Britney Spears divorce took an unexpected turn, when it came to light that her estranged husband, Kevin Federline, has a four hour videotape of the couple having sex. Kevin is demanding a payment of £16 million and custody of their two kids, or he will sell the tape. Under the terms of their pre-nuptial agreement, Federline is only entitled to £2 million and half the value of their home. Sources say that he's already been offered £26 million for the tape. Darling Britney is worried that the tape could destroy her wholesome image and ruin the changes of a career comeback.
My advice to Britney? Tell him to get stuffed. The release of a sex tape of Paris Hilton didn't do her career much harm. Your image isn't all that wholesome anyway. In fact, the tape could raise your appeal to a whole new audience. This is what happens when you are impatient and marry any old guy who you happen to find good looking. If you'd been patient and waited till you met me, this would never have happened. Just tough it out and get on with your career. By the way, I loved the "Toxic" video. More like that, please.
What have we learned from this? If you are female and famous, do not make sex tapes with a guy, no matter how much you think you are in love. They will come back to haunt you, one day. Ladies, you see what some men are like. I didn't do anything like this to my evil ex-wife, the "Black Queen." Even after she cheated me out of a fair share of the equity in out house, I didn't sell any sex tapes of us. Granted, I didn't have any sex tapes of us, but that's a minor point.
Kevin, trying to blackmail Britney over the tape just makes you look bad. Why settle for £16 million? Sell the tape for the £26 million. Add that to the £5 million odd you will be getting via the pre-nupt and let her keep the kids. At 28, you don't want to be bogged down as a single dad, with two very young children. You'll get visitation with the kids in the divorce, anyway, and you can always make more. You don't really want the kids, do you? It's just a way of hurting Britney, right? The kids will be better off with her, anyway. They'll be with their mother and she has more money than you do.
Celebrities, always consult me BEFORE you do anything. Before you get married, before you file for divorce, and before you make sex tapes. Ain't love grand?


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