Wednesday, January 31, 2007

The Flower Offers to Dye My Beard

Yesterday, when I came home from work, I saw evidence that the Exotic Flower was over again. Her handbag was sitting on the coffee table, in the lounge. The TV was on, but I saw neither her, nor M1. A light was on, upstairs, so maybe they were up there. I sat down on one of the three settees in the lounge and stated watching "Richard and Judy," as that was what was on the TV. They were talking about the behavior of the girls on "Celebrity Big Brother," which caught my interest.
After fifteen or twenty minutes, M1 came downstairs, alone. No sign of the Flower. "Where's your dodgy mate?" I asked him. He walked over to the third settee, farthest from me and pointed down. She had been in the room all along! Most of her was covered by a duvet and she was asleep. Eventually, she woke up. Nando came home and we all watched TV together. The Flower's hair looked a bit different, so I asked her had she done something to it. M1 said," you sound so gay asking 'have you done something to your hair?' " That's not gay, that's just a man noticing the details of a woman's appearance. Women love it when a new hairstyle, or outfit is noticed. The Flower explained that as she'd recently had it trimmed, it tends to go more curly.
After watching "Eastenders," I went upstairs for a while, planning on spending some time up there, as the boys were watching football. While upstairs, I heard the Flower's voice and Nando's. There seemed to be lots of talking going on and I was missing out. I went back downstairs. When I entered the lounge, M1 was sitting in my place. I hate it when he does that. The Flower was on the same settee she was on earlier, at the opposite side of the room. Nando was on the settee in between. I decided to sit next to Nando, which put me next to the Flower, as well. What they were discussing was the Flower's new handbag. She was very excited and showed it to me. She said it had originally been £65, but she got it on sale for £10. It was bronze colored and I was underwhelmed by it. The brand name on it was "Gionni." Thinking it's an Italian handbag, the Flower had been discussing the availability of designer goods in Italy, with Nando. She asked Nando how to pronounce the name again. "Gianni," Nando replied.
"It's spelled G-i-o-n-n-i," I pointed out to Nando.
"No, Gianni is spelled G-i-a-n-n-i," he said, in rebuttal.
"That may be," I conceded, "but this bag has G-i-o-n-n-i" on it.
"Oh," Nando said, smiling. "It's not Italian, then."
I turned to the Flower, on my left, and said, "I don't think this bag is actually Italian."
"Oooohhh noooooo! Don't tell me that," she whined. She showed me a little envelope that had come with the bag. She seemed very impressed by this minute stationary. Inside was a small paper that had the brand name of the bag and a web address. I noticed the web address had an "ie" suffix, which indicates Ireland. If it was an Italian bag, I would have thought it would have an Italian web address, not an Irish one. I mentioned this to Nando and he snickered. Maybe the bag had been £10 for a reason.
The Flower and M1 went into the kitchen and he sat in a chair. She tied some sort of head covering on him, which allowed the ends of his hair to stick through some holes. She started applying some white, runny paste to the hairs sticking through the plastic head covering. She was coloring the ends of his hair. They came back into the lounge and resumed their places. I starred at M1 for a moment, sitting with this plastic head piece, with straps tied around his chin and white runny paste all over his head. And he said I sounded gay. He looked gay. I started laughing and he asked me what was so funny. "The way you look, sitting there with that stuff on your head," I admitted. He frowned but couldn't come up with a good comeback.
The Flower looked at me, with her babydoll eyes and said, "you're growing a beard?" Had she only just noticed that I wear a goatee? I had shaved it off for a film, back in early December. She seemed to have only just noticed that part of my beard is gray. "I could dye it for you," she informed me.
"Why would I want you to do that?" I asked. Perhaps she had me confused with this metrosexual excuse for a boyfriend she had.
"Then it wouldn't be three colors. It would make you look younger," she said. My evil ex-wife, the Black Queen, had wanted me to color the gray out of the hair on my head.
"I prefer to leave it as nature intended," I replied. The Flower sent M1 upstairs to rinse the coloring agent out of his hair. When he returned, he told her he wanted her to trim his hair. I turned to her and said, "how come you've never cut my hair?"
"You've never asked me to," she replied. I wonder if she'd cut it for free, as that would save me money on haircuts. I don't want her coloring anything, though. Is all I need to do to get her to do stuff is ask?



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