This Takes the Biscuit

Today, I worked on my first commercial. It was a TV advertisement for a magazine. I am excited about it for two reasons. First, it pays better than the film work I have been doing. About three times as much, so today was the best single day's pay I have ever had. Second, I should be seen in this commercial, given that there are only six of us in the scene, and it will be shown repeatedly, thus maximizing my public exposure.
I arrived early, which is good for me. As I was sitting waiting, a gorgeous actress walked in. She had a beautiful, full head of auburn hair, flowing down over her shoulders. Wearing a business suit, she also had a sizzling hot figure. I later learned her name is Carla and she's a TV presenter on Sky Channel 634. She's also a former dancer, which would explain the figure. For my sins, I got to sit next to her for the entire shoot. What's also impressive about Carla is that she's over thirty, but still looks gorgeous. That's one of the nice things about working in TV and films, you get to work with some stunningly beautiful women, sometimes.
The premise of the ad is that Carla and I, plus four others, are sitting around a table in a meeting room. We are all dressed like lawyers. At the head of the table is an empty chair. It's empty because the boss is not there. Instead of being in the meeting, he's off reading this magazine we are promoting. He can't put it down. We're all bored waiting and doing various things to pass the time. One woman is texting on her mobile phone. Another woman is doing a crossword puzzle, while a male colleague sits next to her, trying to chat her up. Carla is doodling on a pad. Originally, I was supposed to be rolling a biscuit (cookie for American readers) back and forth, across the table with a male colleague, opposite. After a couple of rehearsals, the director decided that instead, my colleague would be sleeping with his head on his hands. That left me and the biscuit. He asked me to play with it in some way. I decided to spin it, on edge, like a top, on the table. The director liked that idea and decided to go with it. Thus began the great biscuit challenge.
The director decided he wanted to end our shot on my spinning biscuit. The problem was to work it so the camera finished tracking back just as I spun the biscuit, but have all the action fit within the time allotted for this part of the commercial. We were shooting for a 30 second commercial and our scene was supposed to take 7 seconds. Coordinating the camera tracking, my spinning, and the 7 seconds, became very difficult. We did take after take. I finally lost count when we hit 40 and that's not counting the numerous rehearsals we did. Little bits and pieces of the scene kept being adjusted and re-adjusted. We had a female cinematographer, which was a first for me. The whole crew were great and a joy to work with. They got us water and fed us breakfast. When we finally wrapped, around 1PM, I was being teased about being typecast, forever more, as a biscuit spinner. Given that my spinning biscuit became such a central part of the scene, I feel fairly confident I will be seen in this commercial. I am looking forward to when I finally see it on TV.
Between takes, I spoke with Carla as much as possible. When I asked her where she lived, I thought she said "northward." So I guessed Honslow. To this, she replied, "northward," or so I thought. I tried Harrow, even Luton. Still, every time she would say, "northward," in an ever more exasperated voice. Then I figured out that she wasn't saying "northward," but "Northwood." I found that funny. Carla looked so good, I thought she should be doing bigger time stuff than this. I pictured her as a leading lady in some film. When I asked her if she wanted to do bigger acting projects, in the future, she replied in the negative. "I'm a better TV presenter than I am an actress," she explained. She just does the acting on the side, on her days off from TV presenting. In any case, she made my day. In what other line of work can you spend a day playing with biscuits and chatting to a gorgeous lady, and get paid for it?

Ear, Ear

I haven't done much in the way of social commentary, lately. Okay, I admit it, I've been lazy. However, lend an ear, as the following has caused me to break my silence.
For several weeks, there has been a TV advertisement airing, here in the UK, promoting Walkers Crisps and Comic Relief. For readers in America, "crisps" are what Americans would call, "potato chips." In the ad, Gary Lineker, a former England football star who is now a TV presenter, is one of a number of celebrities who are portrayed as students in a classroom. The teacher, played by Stephen Fry, is doing the class roll call. After each student's name is called, he or she replies, "ear." All of the students are wearing fake, red ears. All, that is, except Gary Lineker. He replies, "here," and just has his natural ears. Lineker is know for having big ears. The teacher tells him to take off the fake, promotional ears and drags him, by his ear, from the class. Okay, not a fantastic punchline, but it's for charity Comic Relief. A voiceover at the end urges viewers to visit WalkEARS.com.
I don't have a problem with the ad, but earlier this week, I was reading my favorite London newspaper, "Metro" (April 4, 2007), when I spotted a story reporting that Advertising Standards Authority had conducted a "thorough investigation" of the ad after receiving "a dozen" complaints that it mocked people with big ears. The last time I was in a classroom "a dozen" meant twelve. So, out of a nation of about 66 million people, twelve had nothing more going on in their lives and decided to formally complain about a charity ad sponsored by a crisps company. I would like to know how much money this useless investigation cost. The Advertising Standards Authority is an independent body set up by the advertising industry to police advertising. They are funded through "levies" (sounds like a tax) on broadcast airtime charges, display ads, and direct mail advertising. Ultimately, they can call upon government agencies, Ofcom and the Office of Fair Trading, to help force advertisers to comply with their dictates. Any fees charged on advertising costs will be passed on to the consumers, so it is we who are ultimately paying for this time wasting malarkey.
If that's not enough, in the same issue of "Metro," in their "Metro Digest" section, I find it reported that the Highways Agency (part of the Department of Transportation and directly funded by taxes), has spent £145,000 creating at traffic jam. The money is being spent as part of a six week long "experiment," which includes putting over 1,000 cones along a slip road (exit) at Junction 19 of the M25, to discourage drivers from exiting there in order to avoid congestion on the M25. The result will be more cars stuck in congestion on the M25 and a bigger traffic jam. Some local residents in the area consider the scheme "crazy." In response to suggestions that this project is a waste of taxpayers' money, the Highways Agency said, "£145,000 is less than a drop in the ocean...our budget is £330 million." Such is the attitude of government terrocrats as they spend YOUR money. Taxation is theft. I'm going to go have breakfast, before I drive my blood pressure up.